Daily Dose - 000305 - man-eating lion, The Amish Carriage, Things We Have Learned From Movies, On Catching Cows, Wildlife stories, Onion, Hey Martha
An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to Marriott-Smalley, the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.
For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, Marriott-Smalley went to the pasture to wait for the lion.
In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw Marriot-Smalley lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.
"What happened, bwana? Where is the lion? asked the chief.
"Forget the lion!" the hunter howled. "Which of you morons let the bull loose?"
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The Amish Carriage
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. "Caution: Do not step on exhaust.
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Things We Have Learned From Movies
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
11. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
12. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
13. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
14. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
15. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
16. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)
17. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
18.A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
19. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
20. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
21. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed.
23. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
24. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
25. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
26. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
27. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
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On Catching Cows
More than anything, my brother-in-law wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said my brother-in-law, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
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Wildlife stories
A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys.
.... putting our loved ones at risk for a photo
In May of 1994, Tony Moore, 43, of Marietta, Georgia, was gored and seriously injured by a large male bison in Yellowstone, next to the Lake Hotel. Moore and a friend had approached to within 15 feet of the bison to have their pictures taken. While they were standing with their backs to the animal, it charged. Moore's companion escaped, but Moore received a severe puncture wound in his right thigh and was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Jackson for treatment.
.... watching for falling rocks
A visitor setting up camp at Lake Eleanor in Yosemite National Park hit herself on the head with a rock while trying to string up her food to protect it from bears.
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A Big Heist: A department store in Minnesota is trying to catch a woman who has stolen more than $1,000 worth of 44-D bras. "Police are looking for the woman, as is every other guy in town."
(Conan O'Brien)
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I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first---it wet the bed.
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One thing I've leaned is that you never give a beard and mustache trimmer to your girlfriend for her birthday.
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Onion (satire)
Species Of Blue-Green Algae Announces IPO
LAKE ERIE--Seeking to capitalize on the recent IPO rage on Wall Street, Lake Erie-based blue-green algae Anabaena announced Tuesday that it will go public next week with its first-ever stock offering.
Anabaena, a photosynthesizing, nitrogen-fixing algae with 1999 revenues estimated at $0 billion, will offer 200 million shares on the NASDAQ exchange next Wednesday under the stock symbol ALG. The shares are expected to open in the $47-$49 range.
"This is an extremely attractive investment opportunity that no investor can afford to ignore," said Carter Stephens, a Shearson Lehman Brothers investment consultant retained by the freshwater-dwelling prokaryote to guide them through the IPO process. "In addition to being the world's largest producer of oxygen, Anabaena has a strong foothold in many markets other companies find untenable, from tidal spray pools of Lake Michigan to the frozen ponds of Siberia. And with its base of operation constantly expanding, the future for this blue-chip algae looks especially bright."
At a press conference Monday, Richard Kollar, the McCann-Erickson advertising executive in charge of marketing and public relations for Anabaena, praised the soon-to-be-public algae.
"Anabaena has been the clear leader in the blue-green-algae field for over 2.5 billion years," Kollar said. "It's helped humans breathe a little easier since Day One."
Kollar then unveiled the algae's official advertising slogan: "Anabaena--We Didn't Make The Atmosphere, We Just Made It Breathable™."
Despite the fact that Anabaena has failed to turn a profitable quarter since its founding in the early Proterozoic Era, Wall Street experts said the algae's good name and substantial liquid holdings should more than compensate.
"For every company that has a successful IPO, there are 10 others that flop," said Brian Baum, head of online consulting for Ernst & Young. "But blue-green algae has a history of steady nitrogen production, as well as a very strong relationship with fungi, an environmental power player with whom it produces many common lichens. And with the number of living organisms on the planet rising every day, the demand for Anabaena's many products and byproducts should only grow."
Still, many investors said they are unsure whether they would be willing to take even a moderate risk on the stock.
"One thing they're not saying in the prospectus--and I've been through it thoroughly--is that blue-green algae aren't really algae. They're cyanobacteria," said Jeanette MacAlester, a San Francisco-based stockbroker who is strongly advising her clients not to buy ALG. "I don't know if I'd put my money in any bacteria, let alone one that seems to think it has something to hide."
"This is definitely a red-flag stock," Port St. Lucie, FL, day trader Paul Bostock said. "First off, blue-green algae can cause swimmers' itch. On top of that, if ingested, it can be toxic. I can see the $4 billion lawsuit already."
Despite such reservations, as well as a general concern on Wall Street over IPO oversaturation, Anabaena is expected to be a hot property when it makes its bow next week. Market forecasters are predicting an initial market valuation of $9.6 billion, easily eclipsing the stellar December 1998 IPO of Drosophila melanogaster, the common fruit fly.
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, February 12, 1999
Parisians dodge doo as city seeks new cleaning company
PARIS (AP) -- Watch your step! Paris streets are turning into smelly, slippery obstacle courses while the city seeks a new company to remove the droppings of its 200,000 canines.
Green-suited cleaners, zooming around the city on motorcycles equipped with long tubes, have been absent from Paris streets since their contract expired at the end of December.
According to City Hall, the cost of removing dog excrement last year totaled $5.2 million, and officials want to find a company to do the job more cheaply and efficiently. A new company with 140 vehicles is expected to hit the streets by mid-April, a City Hall spokeswoman said Friday.
Paris pooches deposit about 10 tons of droppings on city streets daily.
Dog owners can be fined up to $515 if their pet relieves itself anywhere but the gutter, but the little-enforced law deters few. Officials estimate that 20 percent of the city's dog owners disregard the law.