Daily Dose - 000304 - Feeling Stressed Out, DRINKS OF THE NEW MILLENNIUM, hack golfer, companion for Adam, Jewish grandfather, DDL, Hey Martha
Feeling Stressed Out?
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.
What a pleasant surprise. You let them up... just for a quick breath... then ploop!...back under they go...
You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.
There now... feeling better?
__________________________
Absolute Zero............Absolut vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the Grrreat....Gin, creme de cacao, and sweet cream over corn flakes
American in Paris........Kentucky bourbon and champagne
Black Sabbath............Kahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind Faith..............Wood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood Clot...............Vodka, tomato juice, and Jell-O
Bloody Awful.............Vodka and ketchup
Blue Moon................Corn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman Cooler...........White wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs, and sand
Fuzzy Naval Base.........Peach schnapps, orange juice, and ammonia
George Bush..............George Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
Gorbachev................Vodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the Dishes......Midori and Dawn
Marie Antoinette.........Bourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
Martinizer...............Gin, vermouth, and carbon tetrachloride
Mary Poppins.............Vodka, tomato juice, and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican Hairless.........Tequila and Minoxidil
Oil of Ole...............Mazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and Mary....Potassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine, and tomato juice
Phillips' Screwdriver....Vodka, orange juice, and milk of magnesia
Port in a Storm..........Red wine and rainwater
Quack Doctor.............Cold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a View........Bacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the Bailey...Bacardi rum, Popov vodka, and Bailey's Irish Cream
Sake-to-me...............Rice wine, punch, and nitrous oxide
Scotch Tapeworm..........Dewar's and Mescal
Shipwreck................Cutty Sark on the rocks
Short Wave...............Ripple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup, and pomegranate
Sinead O'Connor..........Irish whiskey and Nair
Skid Roe.................Muscatel and caviar
Sour Kraut...............Schnapps and lemon juice
Sundae Driver............Vodka, orange juice, and ice cream
Tequila Mockingbird......Jose Cuervo and birdseed
__________________________
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy.
Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."
__________________________
One day, the Lord decided to make a companion for Adam. He summoned St. Peter and told him of his decision. He told St. Peter that he wanted to make a being who was similar to man, yet was different, and could offer him comfort, companionship, and pleasure. The Lord said he would call this being woman.
St. Peter asked: "Why call her woman?"
The Lord replied:
w -the breasts
o -the hole
man -and a man will be after them!
__________________________
A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him 'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me the F**king Jew."
___________________________
DDL
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
To Charlotte while sleeping, it seems,
She runs from nude dudes in her dreams.
Each night they pursue;
They catch her and screw.
She awakes. it's untrue. so she screams.
___________________________
Want to feel smarter than your computer for just a few minutes?
Open a new word processing document. Type:
Marry hat hey lid tell lam, ids fleas woes wide has know.
Good. Now, go ahead and click the Spell Check icon.
___________________________
Mary had a little sheep,
It went to bed with her to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb!
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two hunks of bread.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high
Which really didn't please her.
Tonight she is having the leg of lamb,
The rest is in the freezer.
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
And turned it's wool to nylon.
Mary had a little watch,
She kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
She knew what they were after.
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off
His little wooly dick got hard.
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as charcoal
Every time it jumped the fence
You could see its little arsehole
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went
Gynecologists surrounded.
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was surprised.
When Old McDonald had a farm,
The poor guy nearly died.
Mary had a little lamb
A little roast, a little jam
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz
Boy, how sick our Mary is.
Mary had a li'l lamb
Its wool was soft and pink
A big bad wolf came by one day
Now Mary has a mink!
_____________________________
If the Bay Area Rapid Transit system in San Francisco/ Oakland is called BART, what is the Fresno system called?
_____________________________
My sister attaches false eyelashes, wears a wonder bra and a girdle, puts on three kinds of makeup and a false ponytail. Then she says she's going out looking for a "real man."
_____________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, Dec. 23, 1999
Millennium's dumbest bosses chosen
PHILADELPHIA (AP) -- Employees outraged, offended, or simply left shaking with laughter because of actions by their employers have taken advantage of their own office horror stories to anoint the millennium's dumbest bosses.
Claude Carter, creator of the Web site myboss.com, received 5,000 entries from all over the world for his contest. The most outrageous stories of office woe were forwarded to a panel of judges.
Several winners were chosen, including one from an employee who wrote the boss was walking to court for a major corporate lawsuit when he noticed a shapely woman in front of him. He remarked aloud how pretty she was from behind and wondered what her face looked like.
"Immediately the woman turned around and my boss realized she was the judge assigned to our case," the employee wrote.
"I thought it was funny because it indicates sometimes how the libido creeps into the corporate credo," Carter said.
"I think that's a common occurrence. But this time it got out of control."
The Web site posts a new collection of office horror stories every Monday. A winner was picked each week during the contest's 60-day run. A panel chosen by Carter then chose the winners.
Entrants had to submit an e-mail address where they could be contacted and sign a document attesting the story was authentic, Carter said.
In some cases, however, Carter admitted he can't be sure the stories are real. One employee, for example, told the story of his boss not believing a bomb scare that evacuated the office. Once the boss was outside, he kicked the package that had prompted the evacuation and was killed.
The winners received as much as $1,000 in cash and copies of Carter's myboss.com spin-off book of corporate anecdotes, jokes and one-liners, Working for a Loser!!!! (One copy for the employer, the other for the well-deserving boss.)
Another winner told how he struggles with stuttering. Once, while teaching his boss how to use the Internet, he watched as the boss followed his instructions.
"Looking over his shoulder, I watched him type: www.ya-ya-ya-hoo..com.com," the employee wrote.