Daily Dose - 000301 - Bizarre News, bait, Important Info for women, DDL, Hey Martha

More Bizarre News...

Wake Me Up When You Are Done

Troy, NY - What do you do when you are drunk and want to hear someone talk dirty to you? Ask Harold Reinke in Troy, New York.
It seems that after a hard night of partying, he called a European 900 sex line that charged $9.95 per minute. There was only one problem. The inebriated Reinke fell asleep while getting an ear full and woke up hours later still connected. The bill? Only $7164.

_____________________

Brother Against Brother

Sao Paulo, Brazil - What do you do if you are a Siamese twin and your better half really gets on your nerves? Don't try what the late Marco de Solisa did to his late brother Roberto. After a heated argument, Marco pulled out a revolver and shot his brother in the head. They shared portions of the same circulatory system and when Roberto died, Marco soon followed.

_____________________

Gunman Says Sorry, He Had Wrong Guy

HAGERSTOWN, Md. - Volunteer firefighter Andrew Ebner was heading home from battling a late-night blaze when a shotgun blast hit the tailgate of his borrowed pickup truck. Ebner sped up but so did the truck on his tail. Boom! Boom! Two more blasts. Glass showered the cab from the shattered rear window. Finally, Ebner stopped the truck along the country road. That's when the shooter realized he had the wrong guy.
Kenneth Ramsburg apologized, offered to pay for the damage and gave Ebner his business card. Then, police say, he drove 10 miles to a liquor store parking lot, where he found his intended victim and shot him in the leg.

_____________________

Shoe Offer Smells Fishy In Philly

Philadelphia, PA - Police are searching for an unusual practical joker who has manipulated over 40 women into cutting up their shoes! That's right, the scam was repeated at least 40 times.
The con man/caller phoned his *victims* and informed the hapless women that they had been selected to receive a new pair of shoes, but first had to get a scissors and proceed to cut up their existing shoes into tiny pieces. At least 40 women have come forward to police with the same story after no shoes arrived. When they called the number left by the prankster, instead of getting a shoe outlet an irritated operator to an aircraft company answered the phone.

_____________________

Turtle Terrorizes Nude Swimmer

Utica, NY - Dayle Nisi has a fear of swimming in the nude after being hospitalized after going *skinny dipping* at a nearby lake. In a fresh water version of Jaws, this time instead of a shark, a giant snapping turtle used part of Nisi's anatomy as a meal.
What part? Let's use Dayle Nisi's own words, *...I felt this excruciating pain in my groin and when I got my bearings, I realized a turtle had bitten my testicles and swam away with them. It's not a nice feeling, I'll tell you that.*

_____________________

Two neighbors in Tampa, Florida, decided to share the cost of a lawnmower and purchased a brand new Black & Decker gas-powered model. In the spirit of further cooperation, the men decided to trim the hedge between their two yards.
Standing one on either side of the hedge, they lifted the mower over the top and attempted to trim the shrubbery. The resulting kickback caused serious injury to both men, who in turn have successfully sued the manufacturer on the grounds that the machine's operating manual did not include any warning against using the mower for hedge trimming...

[and upside-down, it makes a great food processor...]

______________________

Joe, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret.

"Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked.

The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

Joe thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

The next day, Joe returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked Joe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

"Well, I can but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

"Hmm," thought Joe. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

On the third day, Joe still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. Joe wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

"No, I am a Rabbi."

______________________

Important Info for women:

1)Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life.

2)If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

3)A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.

3)Every ten minutes of love-making is equivalent to thirty minutes on the treadmill.

5)Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

6)Intercourse prevents divorce.

7)Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

8)Sex eliminates headaches.

8)Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

9)Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

______________________

DDL

Said a pretty young whore from Hong Kong
To a long pronged patron named Wong,
"They say my vagina's
The nicest in China;
Don't ruin it by donging it wrong."

Said Old Father William: 'I'm humble,
And getting too old for a tumble,
But produce me a blonde,
And I'm still not beyond
An attempt at an interesting fumble.'

_____________________

Why do people buy those big SUV and front-wheel vehicles that can climb mountains, and then inch over a speed bump?

_____________________

"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP, THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND."
* General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam

____________________

You do not need a parachute to skydive.
You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

____________________

"Knock, Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Emerson."

"Emerson who?"

"Emerson nice boobs ya got there!"

______________________

Hey Martha (true)

Friday, Jan. 28, 2000

Mad crusher caught?

YARDLEY, Pa. (AP) -- The Charmin was unscathed. But for years, the managers of three supermarkets kept finding shelves of crumbled cookies and smashed loaves of bread.

Now a man has been charged with putting the squeeze on $8,000 worth of baked goods over three years.

"It was mutilated. You could actually see there was a hand there," said Lou DeFranceseo, general manager of McCaffrey's market, where the culprit struck dozens of times.

A cookie company finally installed a hidden camera trained on the cookie aisle at a Giant supermarket. And that, police said, led to the arrest of Samuel Feldman, 37, on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief. He was arraigned Wednesday and freed on $10,000 bail.

Defense attorney Ellis Klein denied his client damaged any baked goods, saying Feldman's presence near a shelf of mashed food was purely circumstantial. As for squeezing the bread, Klein said, everyone does it.

"I squeeze bread when I go to the store, but I don't get arrested for it," he said.