Daily Dose - 000229 - cricket ball, psychic, Let's pick on the blondes again, notoriously loose girl, gynecologist, DDL, Hey Martha

Happy Leap Year !!!!

Fred was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Steve there clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?", Fred said. "I've been hit by a bloody cricket ball!" said his friend.

Just then Fred's wife, Karen came to the door and said "Quick come in here and I'll look after you".

When Fred looked in the kitchen he saw his friend sitting on a dining chair, his wife had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!", thought Fred, "How do you feel?" he said. His friend turned and said "Fred, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!", then holding his finger in the air he said "But I still think I will lose the nail!"

_________________________

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother?", the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

___________________________

Let's pick on the blondes again !

How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.

How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.

What did the blonde yell when she saw the car accident?
I'll go and call 911, what's the number???

What's a blonde doing when she grasps at thin air?
Collecting her thoughts.

What would you call a bunch of blondes stacked on top of each other?
An air mattress.

Why do blondes wear a ponytail?
To hide the valve stem.

Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means Stop.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Why do blondes always fail driver's tests?
Every time the car stops, they hop in the back seat.

What did the blonde say when her doctor told her she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's it mine?

What did the blonde's mom say before her daughter went out on a date?
If you're not in bed by 10pm, come home!

What does a blonde use for birth control?
Brown hair-dye.

What are the first two things that a blonde does in the morning?
1. She introduces herself.
2. She goes home.

One day, a blonde was driving to California. On the way, she saw a sign that said, Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

Blondes are too biased. It's always, Buy us this, buy us that!

_________________________

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting increased and he put his hand in her panties.

She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring! That's my Rolex."

_________________________

Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

________________________

DDL

There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.

There was a young man from Winsocket
Who put a girl's hand in his pocket.
Her delicate touch
Thrilled his pecker so much,
It shot off in the air like a rocket.

_______________________

What is the difference between God and a doctor?

God knows that he is not a doctor.

______________________

Q. What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish baby?
A. A girl.

_____________________

The Polish mafia is at it again in Chicago.
They just found two more victims with their heads tied together.
They were shot in the hands.

_____________________

Not all women are annoying. Some are dead.

______________________

I'll always remember the last words of my grandfather,
who said, 'Shit! A Truck!' "

______________________

Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2000

Honest cabbie tracks down foreign family to return lost cash

OTTAWA (CP) -- Now here's a taxi driver who got a fair fare.

City cabbie Andy Ghazal has found cellphones and credit cards in his back seat before -- but never 25,000 smackers in cash.

Well, make that 25,000 Saudi Arabian riyals, worth about $10,000 Canadian.

Ghazal said he discovered the crisp new bills while searching for identification in a purse that had been left behind hours earlier.

He immediately remembered driving a Middle Eastern family of five who said they had came to Ottawa so their children could experience snow for the first time.

The found the snow -- and a snow angel because Ghazal tracked them down where he dropped them off.

He said the family was shocked to tears when he returned with the purse and the money.

Ghazal said the family was so moved, he heard the father say to the mother they should send their kids to school in Canada.

He refused at first, but left with a 500 riyal tip.

That's about $200 in Canadian money.