Daily Dose - 000228 - Bizarre News, sex education, DDL, Hey Martha
More Bizarre News....
Guaranteed To Reduce Travel Stress
AMSTERDAM - Your flight was delayed, you are tired, stiff and irritable, but if you are flying into or through Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport you can kiss that stress goodbye.
A Dutch brothel chain is hoping to open a branch inside the airport next year. A visit to the Yab Yum Caviar Club will get you champagne, caviar and a relaxing massage. Plus, there are other services a stressed traveler can opt for.
Prostitution is legal in the Netherlands, where the sex industry turns over an estimated $920 million annually.
(Now THAT's a good reason to fly KLM out of Kuwait....)
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Birdman Of Paris
PARIS, France Truth is always stranger than fiction. Police have caught the person responsible for breaking into 142 pet stores across the country. His name is Jacques Delhoussy and he has a particularly unusual fetish. He is charged with animal cruelty after admitting to eating more than 3000 canaries. No other pets were harmed.
[We heard that canaries taste like...]
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The Cat With Three Testicles
A ginger tomcat has made a small piece of animal history. Three-year-old McLeod, who is described as a "silly old bagpuss" by his owner, is the proud owner of three testicles - at least he was.
A veterinary surgeon has now removed them, putting an end to any plans McLeod might have had for an exciting climax to the millennium. It is believed to be the first recorded case of a cat with more than two testicles - a condition referred to as polyorchidsm.
"I opened up one side and there was one, and I opened up the other side and there were two," veterinary surgeon Digby Milwright told BBC News Online. The third testicle was just three-quarters the size of the other two. Fearing it might be cancerous, the vet from Ely in Cambridgeshire, UK, sent all three objects for tests. But pathologist Ken Smith reported a trio of perfect specimens. "My part in all this was to confirm that all three structures were indeed testicles," he said.
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Zoo Staff Donate Blood For Leeches
Zoo staff have been keeping leeches alive by feeding them their own blood. A consignment of 19 leeches arrived at Drusillas Park in Alfriston, East Sussex, on Friday needing to be fed. Perplexed staff phoned London Zoo for advice, to be told that the creatures would be tempted only by human blood.
Head zookeeper Jamie Craig decided he was prepared to sacrifice himself to the cause and attached one of the leeches to his forearm, where it fed contentedly for nearly an hour. Seven other volunteers came forward to provide the leeches with a meal.
Jamie says, "Their mouths have three parts and you feel it stinging as they break the skin. "Then you just feel it sucking. It stings now and again when they suck really hard.
[Boy, I'm familiar with that sensation.]
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Russian Wife Pierced By Enthusiastic Husband
MOSCOW - Gregori Vanechesky thought he had invented a great new bullet-proof vest but he has to go back to the drawing board. This amateur inventor tested the vest on his wife and now the wacky Russian is a widower.
That's right, she was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital as the vest did not prove to be bullet-proof.
[One can only ask what "proof" he was drinking when he concocted his test plan.]
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Take Two Butts And Call Me In The Morning
BEIJING - Chinese scientists are making an extraordinary claim. They say they have found a cure for one of the oldest ailments that has afflicted men and women for ages; hemorrhoids.
This time the cure is an herbal cigarette. Internal and external hemorrhoids are said to disappear within 12 hours of inhaling the herbal cigarette.
[I can't help but get the feeling that they're blowing smoke up our butts with this story! I wonder which end you are supposed to smoke them out of?]
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Mayor Candidate Hopes To Eye Gouge Visitors
SALT LAKE - A leading candidate for mayor of Salt Lake City says he wants to raise taxes "shamelessly high" to take advantage of visitors to the 2002 Winter Games.
Jim Bradley, said in a recent debate that there was nothing wrong with gouging the hundreds of thousands of people who will come to the city for the games. "The hotel transient room tax has to be jacked up as high as we can possibly do it," the Democrat said. "We have to raise the car rental tax as high as we can possibly do it - even shamelessly high - to generate revenue ..... We have to look at opportunities like that to just screw them."
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Man Believed Dead Awakens In Egypt
CAIRO, Egypt - A man pronounced dead after drowning off the coast of Egypt's port city of Alexandria regained consciousness after spending three hours in a morgue refrigerator.
Ali Abdel-Rahim Mohammad, 32, blacked out while swimming at the Alexandria beach Monday. He was awakened by a loud bang and unfamiliar voices. Mohammed grabbed the hand of an attendant who was trying to close the refrigerator drawer in the Alexandria morgue.
His firm grip sent the attendant and a family who had apparently come to identify the body of a loved one scurrying out of the morgue yelling, "Help us!"
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Can't Keep A Good Bear Down
Beijing - The dwindling population of Panda bears in China has become a national obsession. These cuddly creatures are on the decline. Why? It seems that there is a marked decrease in the sexual libido of the hapless bears.
Researchers are unsure of the causes. Some speculate that pollution is causing the decrease in sex drive. Never fear, help is on the way! Chen Dayuan has a plan. The country's leading Panda authority wants to spike several Panda's meals with Viagra.
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"Society is safe again," announced police officer William Foster, following the capture of a pet rabbit that had terrorized the town of Ashland, Massachusetts. AP reports that "Snowball", who is described as being "about the size of a big kitten", had attacked three adults and a child in the past two weeks...
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A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. Unfortunately, she is a math teacher and and knows little about teaching sex ed. She decides to use her math techniques to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.
The next day in class, she explains that a new unit of sex ed is to begin. She holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "does anyone know what this is?"
Little Suzie resonds-"I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!" the teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"
The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says "I know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!"
The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them." Tommy says "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes the baby sitter's teeth with!"
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DDL
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In just 80 days,
They screwed 80 ways.
Imagine such fuckin' devotion!
There was a young man from Savannah,
Who met his end in a curious manner.
He whittled a hole
In a telephone pole
And electrified his banana.
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Q. Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A. Because spray paint wasn't invented `til 1949.
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"Reality is an illusion caused by an alcohol deficiency"
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New Drug on the Market......
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
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Q. What's the difference between a blonde, a nympho, and a hooker?
A. The nympho says "You're done already?", the hooker says "Are you done yet?", and the blonde says "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, Jan. 28, 2000
Work of prankster found in time capsule
ROCHESTER, N.Y. (AP) -- In 1873, when the city buried a time capsule filled with seed catalogs, maps and coins, someone managed to add something not on the list: a condom.
Made of sheep intestine, the condom was found in an envelope tucked into a book. The envelope was addressed to "The person who opens the box."
The airtight, copper capsule, dug up in December, preserved all of the contents well. The condom was not on the official list of contents published in newspapers when the capsule was buried under City Hall.
"Someone snuck it in. This was a surprise," said Ralph Wiegandt, a conservator at the Rochester Museum and Science Center, which helped dig up the capsule.
The capsule and its contents, including the prankster's contribution, will be put on display at the museum Feb. 19.