Daily Dose - 000223 - I hate all the blonde jokes, The agent, turning into a horse, I'd Like A Coke Please, The Speech, DDL, Hey Martha
A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you."
So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver."Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if i'm home." said the brunette.
The taxi drove them and when they finally got out the brunette looked at the blonde and said."See that guy was really stupid."
"No kidding." replies the blonde,"there was a pay phone just around the corner, you could have called instead."
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The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the darn door selling tickets."
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A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!"
The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have SOME problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."
The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!"
The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse."
Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!"
Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally."
At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing HOOVES!"
The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe nails THAT big!"
Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"
The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper.
The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?"
The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a dump in the street!"
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I'd Like A Coke Please
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"
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The Speech
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."
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DDL
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A thrifty old man named McEwing
Inquired, "Why be bothered with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To finger your wiener,
And besides you can see what you're doing."
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Q. What do you say to a girl with no tits?
A.
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We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes
- then they kicked us out of the showroom.
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Scrawled across the dorm wall were the words, "Question Everything!"
A couple of days later someone added one word... "Why?"
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, Jan. 4, 2000
Robber mailed to post office
ROME (AP) -- Robbers targeting an Italian post office didn't have anybody on the inside to help, so they brought in one of their colleagues wrapped in a carton for mailing.
When the package would not fit through the normal package slot, employees invited them to use a service door behind the counter window, said Carlo Cerrutti, a spokesman for the Rome police.
When an employee brought the package inside, a robber burst out of the carton, waved a gun and shouted, "'It's a holdup,'" according to police.
The robbers escaped with the equivalent of $75,000 US.
The robbery was the fourth in eight years at the post office in the outlying Casilina district. Italian post offices are virtual banks where tens of millions of customers keep savings accounts, collect pensions and pay taxes and utility bills.