Daily Dose - 000222 - married for 30 years, give up half your sex life, priest gets a flat tire, wanted most for her birthday, DDL, Hey Martha
A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.
Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?"
He replied, "I took one look at you and thought I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry."
"And what are you thinking now, baby?" she asked huskily.
He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"
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An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh !"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
"No", replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half...the LOOKING or the THINKING?"
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A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"
The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's cunt."
The priest frowns and says, "You better give them another turn then."
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A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday and she declared: "A baby brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at Daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry -- put more men on the job."
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A man was in an accident and his penis was chopped off. He was rushed to the hospital where the doctor examined him, and after careful examination said, "We can replace it with a small size for $2,000, a medium size for $5,000, or an extra-large size for $10,000. I realize it's a lot of money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife."
When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor.
"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears.
"My wife says she'd rather have a new kitchen."
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DDL
One morning Mahatma Gandhi
Had a hard-on, and it was a dandy.
So he called to his aide,
"Please bring me a maid,
Or a goat, or whatever is handy."
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
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Q. What is so different about a Polish car pool?
A. They all meet at work.
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Q: What do you get it you cross a Pitbull terrier with a Labrador?
A: A dog that scares the shit out of you then fetches the toilet paper.
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Q: What do Japanese men do when they have erections?
A: Vote.
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The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, January 10, 2000
Who wants to marry a millionaire?
KENOSHA, Wis. (AP) -- Dozens of women showed up at the Brat Stop tavern here hoping for a shot at marrying a mysterious multimillionaire.
Friday's event was one of several held around the country to narrow the field to 50 the number of finalists who will compete in upcoming Fox network special, "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?"
"It would change my lifestyle," said Nicole Milem, 23, a cosmetologist from Fox Lake, Ill. "It would be fun to share millions with someone. I want my future kids to have everything they want."
The unidentified bachelor then will make his choice, and the wedding will be shown before a live television audience.
"I'm just tired of working three jobs, and I have nothing to lose," said Genny Marquez, 39, a commercial bank worker from Waukesha.
"If the man is repulsive, you could close your eyes. I mean, with that much money, you could always say, 'I'm going on a trip."'