Daily Dose - 000221 - Rabbi Schwartz, dentures, prospective father-in-law, wishing for a pint of stout, I been inna jail,

Rabbi Schwartz answers his phone.

"Hello is this Rabbi Schwartz?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can."

"Do you know a Sam Cohen?"

"I do."

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is."

"Did he donate $10,000?"

"He will."

______________________

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.....

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!

_____________________

Tom Cahill had proposed to young Maureen and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. "Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Tom, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Maureen's father. "There are twelve of us..."

______________________

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."

POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

_______________________

Two Italians, Luigi and Antonio, met on the street.

"Hey, Antonio," said Luigi. "Where you been for the past two weeks? No one seen you around."

"Dona talka to me, Luigi," replied Antonio. "I been inna jail."

"Jail!" exclaimed Luigi.

"What for you been in jail?"

"Wella, Luigi," Antonio said, "I was lying onna dis beach, and the cops come, arrest me and throw me inna jail."

"But dey dona throw you in jail just for lying onna da beach!", Luigi countered.

"Yeah, but dis beach was screamin' and akickin' and ayellin'!"

_______________________

DDL

There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner.
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine;
And at a quarter to ten it was in her.

________________________

Why do men like women in leather?

Because they smell like new cars.

________________________

Q: What's the Indian word for "lousy hunter"?

A: Vegetarian

________________________

According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. Of course this is great for Italian men, because they talk with their hands
- Jay Leno

_______________________

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs.

. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first

_______________________

Hey Martha

Wednesday, Dec. 22, 1999

Last minute gift idea

ST. PETERSBURG, Fla. (AP) -- Just in time for Christmas: a long-range, missile-capable submarine from the former Soviet Union.

Asking price for the sub, listed on the online auction site eBay, is a cool $1 million.

The diesel-powered vessel commissioned in 1965 -- named Juliett by NATO during the Cold War -- is up for bids until Dec. 29.

Plenty of other offbeat items have been auctioned previously on eBay, including a recent offer for a 1956 six-cylinder locomotive for $30,000, company spokesman Kevin Pursglove said Tuesday.

But this is the first submarine.

By early Tuesday evening, no offers had been made for the sub, posted for sale Dec. 19 by Helsinki, Finland-based Oy Sub-Expo Ltd. The company purchased the vessel, which originally targeted U.S. aircraft carrier groups, in 1994 from the Russian Ministry of Defense.

The Florida city of St. Petersburg wants its port to be rid of the 2,400-ton vessel because it no longer makes money as a tourist attraction and has been sinking into debt.

City council member Bill Foster laughed upon hearing about the auction.

"EBay is a great thing. I bought a Gameboy off there last week," Foster said. "Whether or not you can sell a submarine is another thing. The Russian government would have a fit if they knew."