Daily Dose - 000220 - wife likes to sing, If 99.9% were good enough, Message from an old boyfriend, British sailor, DISABLED, I screw all squaw,

The wife likes to sing, and whenever she begins, the husband heads outside. Hurt, she asked him, "Don't you like my singing?"

"Of course, dear," he replied. "I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

_______________________

If 99.9% were good enough.....

* 12 newborns would be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes would be shipped per year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail would be mishandled per hour.
* 2,000,000 documents would be lost by the IRS this year.
(We can handle that one!)
* 2.5 million books would be shipped with the wrong covers.
* Two planes landing at Chicago's O'Hare airport would be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary would be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions would be written per year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation would turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns would be processed incorrectly per year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced would be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations would be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal would be missing one of the three sections.
* A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds).

________________________

Message from an old boyfriend:

To all the ladies who said, "I'll date you when pigs fly!"

Raleigh, NC, TV was interviewing a farmer this week
whose hog farm had been hit by a tornado. He said,
"I come outtn the house when I heered tha noise.
Saw all kinsa stuff flyin up over tha barn. An
there was HOGS flyin up thar too! I lost about 15,
I recon!" TV was showing a trashed hog barn, with
hogs chewin on some wrinkled tin roofing.

Call me.

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A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache...it's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."

_______________________

YOU ARE PARKED IN A SPACE CLEARLY DESIGNATED FOR DISABLED PERSONS PLEASE
CIRCLE THE STATEMENT WHICH BEST DESCRIBES YOUR HANDICAP:

I don't read good.

I suffer from terminal laziness.

I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Huh?

My inner child was bugging me for ice cream.

My shoes are too expensive to walk in.

Wheelchair symbol? I thought it was a rocking chair!

My religion forbids acts of common courtesy.

I ignore OTHER laws, why not this one?

I AM disabled... by a painfully swollen ego.

______________________

A man goes on an Indian reservation and sees an Indian with a feather on his head. The man asks the Indian why he has a feather on his head and the Indian replies "I screw one squaw."

The next day the man sees him with two feathers and asks why he has two feathers and the replies "I screw two squaw."

A week goes by and the man sees the Indian with all these feathers all over his body, the man says, "Why do you have all these feathers on your body?"

The Indian happily replies, "I big chief, I screw all squaw!!"

The man said, "Wow, isn't that a little bit hostile?"

Indian says, "Hostile, doggy style, any style!!"

The man says, "Oh dear!" Indian says, "No deer, ass too high, run too fast!"

______________________

DDL

I sat by the Duchess for tea,
And she asked, " Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And I felt it was one up for me.

A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"

______________________

"Life isn't fair to men, When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance and winters in Florida.
What do women want to be liberated from?"

______________________

Q: What's the difference between a Canadian and a canoe?

A: A canoe tips.

______________________

When I was young we didn't have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to concerts.

______________________

Why is it that people fight for a good parking space at the gym?

______________________

Q: What did the Indian say when the cowboy tied his penis in a knot?

A: "How come?"
-- Ernest Barkman

______________________

Hey Martha (true)

Friday, Jan. 28, 2000

Welfare recipients get psychic training

NEW YORK (AP) -- So you want to be a psychic? No problem. New York City is recruiting welfare recipients to work from home as telephone clairvoyants.

And for those who aren't gifted with prophetic powers, the city offers job training.

The effort began last April and has led to 15 people on welfare being hired by a company called Psychic Network, said Ruth Reinecke, a spokeswoman for the city's Human Resources Administration.

What does it take to be a telephone soothsayer? A recruitment flier says qualified applicants must be on public assistance, have "a caring and compassionate personality" and the ability "to read, write and speak English."

The jobs have a minimum starting salary of $10 per hour, plus bonuses, the flier says.

The New York Times reported today that Business Link, a division of the HRA, finds and trains workers from welfare rolls and puts them in touch with businesses needing employees.

Ms. Reinecke said applicants were trained to read tarot cards at the city's Business Link office by a Psychic Network representative. Efforts to locate and contact the Psychic Network were unsuccessful, the Times reported, saying a New York telephone number was disconnected last July.

Self-described psychics were unhappy by the city's effort.

"You're talking people with problems that not even a soap opera can list, and you're giving them to people who are only interested in $12 an hour," said Judy Ann Canizzaro, who recalled handling calls as a telephone psychic from a drug-addicted mother threatening suicide and a woman who had suffered a miscarriage.

Ms. Reinecke defended the recruitment: "For those who performed in the job, the pay is rather good and it's attractive to be able to work out of the home for the mothers who have young children."