Daily Dose - 000216 - TV game show, Daddy fell into the well, custody of the children, seasick, good news and bad news, garbage collector, DDL, Hey Martha

On a famous TV game show A BLONDE contestant needed only to answer one more question. One simple question stood between her and ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."

The contestant, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that she had drawn such an easy question.

"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and, ...Olive!"

The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied,

"Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!?'"

"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."

________________________

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday.

_________________________

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

_________________________

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."

Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

_________________________

"Oy vey! I've got good news and bad news about our son." said Mrs. Shapiro to her husband.

"Give me the bad news first!" said Mr. Shapiro.

"Our boy's become a homosexual!"

"Oy! So what's the good news?"

"He's going with a rich doctor!"

_________________________

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector." he replies

To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

___________________________

DDL

There once was a lady from Reno,
Who lost all her cash playing keno,
So she laid on her back,
And opened her crack.
Today she OWNS the casino!

There was a young fellow called Baker,
Who seduced a vivacious young Quaker:
And when he had done it,
She straightened her bonnet,
And said: 'I give thanks to my Maker.'

___________________________

We all know what a Birdie (1 under) and a Bogey (one over) are.

Now there's a Lewinsky. It's when the shot lands three feet from the hole.

____________________________

Seven things you will NEVER hear a man say:

1. I'd like to take you out on a date but your tits are just too big for me.

2. Here honey, you use the remote for awhile.

3. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't important, sometimes, I just want to be held.

5. We never talk anymore.

6. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

7. I'm sick of blow-jobs. How about if I just try to satisfy you for an hour?

_________________________

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

_________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, Jan. 13, 2000

Driver's upscale car earns him reduced speeding sentence

OSLO, Norway (AP) -- Norwegians expressed outrage Thursday after a court reduced a millionaire's sentence for speeding because of the high quality of his car.

Fritz Hjelmeland, 61, was clocked by police at 88 mph in an 50 mph zone near the west coast town of Aalesund in October, according to media reports. Under Norway's strict traffic laws, that would be grounds for a mandatory jail sentence plus a fine. Prosecutors had argued that Hjelmeland should be jailed for three weeks.

Instead, the local preliminary court reduced Hjelmeland's sentence, partly because he was driving a 350-horsepower Mercedes 500 SE.

"The driver was experienced and he was driving a car that handles well at high speed," the court said in its ruling Wednesday. It gave Hjelmeland a suspended sentence and a $1,250 fine.

Johannes Mehammer of the national traffic police called the ruling reprehensible.

"I can't go along with someone getting a reduced sentence because he was driving a fancy car," he was quoted as telling Norway's largest newspaper, Verdens Gang.

The reports said Hjelmeland probably won't even notice the fine. His taxable wealth last year was about $8.4 million.