Daily Dose - 000215 - rich man, Devil and the lawyer, right and wrong, call me a vet, DDL, Hey Martha
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?"
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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.
The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"
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A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
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"Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?"
"A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" asked his wife.
The husband replied, "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a cow!"
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DDL
Contravening the guidelines on health,
Butcher George likes exposing himself,
But he hides it away
In the sausage display
When young ladies come up to the shelf.
"Far dearer to me than my treasure,"
The heiress declared, "is my leisure.
For then I can screw
The whole Harvard crew--
They're slow, but that lengthens the pleasure."
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Definition of a Jewish dilemma:
Someone yelling "free ham!"
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If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?
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What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?
Stays up all night wondering if there's a Dog.
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, Dec. 23, 1999
Woman yells 'Drop the chihuahua'
NICEVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- A dog owner who scrapped with a hungry hawk over her pet chihuahua may have to pick on someone her own size next time.
Sandy Parks, 61, shrieked "Drop the chihuahua," when an injured red-tailed hawk dug its talons into three-kilogram Bandita. Sandra Parks, 61, holds her Chihuahua, Bandita, at her Niceville, Fla., home Tuesday Dec. 21, a day after the dog was brutally attacked by an injured hawk. Parks, an artist, sketched an account of the incident at bottom to illustrate the attack. Parks slammed the hawk against walls around her home in an attempt to break its deadly grasp on her leashed dog. (AP Photo)
The hawk burst from a neighbour's bushes on Monday and grabbed little Bandita. But the bird found itself in a tug-of-war with Parks, who was hanging onto the other end of a 1.5-metre leash.
"Here I am, yelling 'Drop the chihuahua! Drop the chihuahua!'" said Parks.
"I am surprised I didn't scare the hawk away. I had no idea they had that much tenacity. I've been hungry before, but I've never held on to food that much."
Parks said she yanked on the leash and slammed the one-kilogram bird into a wall. The hawk dropped, but kept its talons in Bandita, so Parks said she stomped on the bird, then slammed a door on its legs before it finally let go.
She left the hawk and rushed Bandita to the Niceville Animal Clinic where the dog's puncture wounds were treated.
Audubon Society members later brought in the hawk.
A veterinarian said the hawk suffered a broken feather in its battle with Parks, but it also had a previously broken wing that was still healing, clinic receptionist Laura Lassiter said Wednesday.
The hawk weighed about half of what a bird with a 1.5-metre wingspan should, and its injury was probably why it attacked a pet.
The hawk will remain at the clinic for about six weeks while it recuperates, Lassiter said.
As for Bandita, she was sent home, but not before her owner was given a lecture about the illegality of battering birds protected by federal migratory bird laws.