Daily Dose - 000213 - park bench, American tourist in Moscow, attractive barmaid, blonde went to an eye doctor, BULLET FOR JESUS, DDL, Hey Martha

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After a while a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."

"How dare you," said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

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An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are you doing?"

"I gotta piss, man."

"You can't piss here. Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz away."

The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?"

"No. This is the American Embassy."

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She was an attractive barmaid so Paul slapped a ten on the bar and said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom." She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. Paul took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and went to the bathroom.

"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Paul challenged. The bet was accepted and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money.

"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing." Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet. Paul lifted her skirt & away they went.

"I can feel you," she cried.

"Oh well," Paul said, "You win some, you lose some !!"

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The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor in disgust took a paper sack with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

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The 2000 member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "EVERYONE WILLING TO TAKE A STAY IN YOUR SEAT!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about 20 people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

_____________________

DDL

There was a farmer from Leeds,
Who ate six packets of seeds,
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
And he couldn't sit down for the weeds!

There was a young man of Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
His tool when at ease,
Hung down to his knees,
Oh, what must it be when it rises!

______________________

Theory of relativity: the more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes

______________________

Alcohol is one of mankind's greatest enemies, but the bible tells us to love our enemies...
- Unknown

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Mary had a little watch,
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some caster oil
To pass the time away.

The oil didn't work.
The time just wouldn"t pass.
If You want to know what time it is,
Just look up Mary's ....

_______________________

Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, Jan. 4, 2000

Clever clerk lures crooks back with promise

EDMONTON (CP) -- Hunger won out over intelligence on New Year's Day when two crooks were lured back into the fast-food shop they'd just tried to rob by a clerk promising them free sandwiches.

The clerk, who asked his name not be used, said two men came into his Subway outlet and ordered two sandwiches. But while they were being prepared, one of the men pulled a knife and demanded cash.

Instead of handing over the money, the clerk locked the till and set off an alarm while wrestling the knife away from the man.

The pair bolted from the store but the clerk ran after them, shouting that he would give them free food if they came back.

Police arrived not long afterward and arrested the pair as they patiently waited for their sandwiches.