Daily Dose - 000209 - London to Liverpool, three sermons, biker club, candle, gynecological stirrups, DDL, Hey Martha

An American soldier, on the train from London to Liverpool, shared a compartment with two English brothers, one of whom was hard of hearing. They struck up a conversation, and one brother said, "I say, Yank, where are you going?"

"Liverpool," said the American.

"What did he say?" asked the hard of hearing brother.

"He said he's going to Liverpool. Tell me, Yank, what brings you all the way to Liverpool?"

"I have a girlfriend up there."

"What did he say?" asked the hard of hearing brother again.

"He said he has a girlfriend there. She must be quite a girl if you'll travel all the way there just to see her."

"I'll say she is!" said the American. "She wears black boots with spurs, carries a whip, and indulges in every delight known to man."

"What did he say?" asked the brother was was hard of hearing.

"He said he knows Mother."

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One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

_____________________________

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club.

She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims "I want to join your biker club."

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?"

The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?"

The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

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Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"

"You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father." Said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"

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The shapely woman was in the gynecological stirrups, and her doctor was in the middle of his examination when he suddenly stopped and said brusquely,

"Look, madam, I'm a happily married man ... so would you please stop squeezing my hand?"

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DDL

There was a young athlete named Grimmon
Who developed a new way of swimmin':
By a marvelous trick
He would scull with his prick,
Which attracted loud cheers from the women.

There was a young fellow named Blantz
Who on entering a toilet in France,
Was in such a heat
To paper the seat,
That he shit right into his pants.

___________________________

Q. Why does it say TGIF on a Polish lady's bra?

A. Instructions: Tits Go In First.

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Q. What do you get when you cross an octupus and a Mexican?

A. I don't know...but it sure can pick fruit!

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Q: What is the proper weight for an attorney?

A: About 3 pounds, not counting the urn!

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Hey Martha (true)

Friday, Dec. 17, 1999

Alabama university to teach Pokemon

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. (AP) -- The Pokemon phenomenon is making its way onto a college campus.

The University of Alabama at Birmingham next month plans to offer a two-day class titled "Pokemon: Become a Master." The course will be taught by Karol Miller, 21-year-old junior and comic bookstore worker.

Ms. Miller will teach the rules of the Pokemon card game and give tips on how to become a Pokemon master.

Special studies courses are non-credit and based on popular topics for both children and adults, said Steve Hartley, a UAB program coordinator. He said many parents are signing up their children for the course as a Christmas present. He's enrolling his own 9-year-old son, Jay.

"My son tried to teach me the game, but he wasn't really sure about a lot of it," he said.