Daily Dose - 000208 - That 911 Call, How did you make your money, The fish got away, How many D's, A Walking Economy, Memo to the Boss, DDL, Hey Martha, To Whom It May Concern

That 911 Call!

The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.

Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name."

Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it."
Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?"
Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!"

Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?"

Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)."

Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"

Caller: (irate) "That's 'W' as in Williams and 'Y' as in why."

Caller (on realizing the police are on the way): "Get the keg outta here, dude!"

Caller: "He's not breathing!"
Call-taker: "Can you get the phone close to him?
Caller: "WHY? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?"

Call-taker: "Does she have any weapons?"
Caller: "Well, she has real long finger nails."

Call-taker: "We'll need a description of him."
Caller: "He's a lawyer."

Caller: "No, she just didn't fall...I helped her!"

Complaint about a stolen mailbox:
Call-taker: "What is your address?"
Caller: "It's gone."

Caller: "I'm scared, I just got a Ouija board for my birthday, and now there's writing on my wall and I can't get it off...
...this thing is going back to K-Mart first thing in the morning!

________________

How did you make your money?

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

________________

The fish got away

Little Johnny, burst into the house, crying his eyes out. His Mama asked him what the problem was. "Pop and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, Johnny,"" his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have laughed."

"That's what I did, Mama."

________________

How many D's

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead apply for a position at a large company.

First the brunette goes in. The guy looks over her application and asks her one question: "How many D's are there in 'Bonanza'?"

The brunette replies, "None."

The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room for the next stage of the interviewing process."

The redhead goes in next. The guy asks her the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"

She replies, "None."

The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room."

The blonde goes in and he asks the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"

After counting on her fingers for a few minutes the blonde replies: "77."

The guy, in shock, asks her how she came up with 77.

She says: "Dun da da dun dun da dun dun da da" (the Bonanza theme)...

_________________

A Walking Economy

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression."

_________________

Memo to the Boss

MEMO:
To: My Boss
From: Blonde
Subject: Changing calendars from Y2K

I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.

_________________

DDL

That wily old pervert St. Nick
Made good use of the curve to his dick
He glazed the whole shaft
Painted stripes, then he laughed
As he offered young ladies a lick

_________________

Q. What do you get Bill for his birthday?

A. Candy. He already had Flowers.

_________________

Q. What did Clinton say as he was looking out at the crowd of 500,000 in Africa?

A. Hey, who's the blonde chick?

________________

Q: What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?

A: A thief.

_______________

Question: What do you get when you mate Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?

Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

_______________

Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, November 16, 1999

Y2K shelter filled with tuna

MANASSAS PARK, Va. (AP) -- Whatever else changes when the year 2000 dawns, city officials are sure about one thing: There will be tuna.

The city is stuffing a generator-powered Y2K shelter with canned tuna, chicken and other food items to feed 450 people for up to six days.

The $85,000 bill for the shelter, tuna and all, isn't sitting well with some residents.

"I think it's all ridiculous to begin with, the whole Y2K thing," said Lou Bello. "Doing things like this, like planning for so much disaster, is just likely to cause panic."

Expenses include $45,900 for two new generators to power the shelter, to be located in the Manassas Park Middle School. The city also bought tuna and other goods for $19,200.

The gas and power companies that serve the city say they're not expecting any Y2K problems.

If disaster doesn't come, the council hopes to sell the goodies to the city's schools. Superintendent Thomas DeBolt said that may not work so well.

"There's only so much canned chicken and tuna that teen-agers will eat," he told the council Monday.

___________________

To Whom It May Concern:

I am Hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have
decided,

I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with
rocks.

I want to think M&M's are better than money, because you can eat them.
I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art.

I want to lie under a big oak and run a lemonade stand with my friends
on a hot summers day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were
colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't
bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.

When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things
that should make you worried and upset.

I want to think that the world is fair. That everyone in it is honest
and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible. Somewhere in my youth...I
matured and I learned too much.

I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused
children. I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and
death.

I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our
country, and returned only to end up living on the streets...begging for
their next meal. I learned of a world where children knew how to
kill...and did!

What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live
forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death? When we thought the
worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked
you last for kickball? I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and
be overly excited by little things once again.

I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music clean.

When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment
and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.

I remember being naive and think that everyone was happy because I was.

I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and
the prettiest seashell I could find.

I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike. I didn't
worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my
car.

I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, Not worry
about what I'll do if this doesn't work out.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer
crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more
days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness
and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power on smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the
snow.

I want to be six again.