Daily Dose - 000207 - Seeing Eye Dog, President of the United States is Dead, Christmas dress, perfect Yiddish, Bubba's old lady,

Seeing Eye Dog

I'm not sure where this story originated, but it is funny. I sure wish I had been in the terminal when this was going on:

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

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President of the United States is Dead

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force.

When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened.

They hurried over to surround the man's tractor. "Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

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At the beginning of children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Christmas dress?"

The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip- on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a real son-of-a-bitch to iron."

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These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town.

They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.

The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The owner looks around and leans in so no one else will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

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Well, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!"

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on, son! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! Hey, you got you a daughter!" Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor says, "Hold on, we still ain't finished!" The doctor then delivered another boy. He said, "Bubba, you just had another boy! But don't worry, 'cause that's it!"

So, Bubba and his wife went home with the three children. When they got home, they sat down and began talking. Bubba said, "Mama, you remember that night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use that 3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good thing we didn't use no WD-40!

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DDL

There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

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There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno

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Did you hear about the call girl that had to get her appendix out?

The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she's making money on the side.

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Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn't talk about his Mother's cooking, and Eve couldn't mention all the men she could/should have married.

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Women are like newspapers because...

Older ones are not in demand
They're well worth looking over
They have a great deal of influence
You can't believe everything they say
They always have the last word
You should really get your own and not go borrowing your neighbor's

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, November 18, 1999

Thank you leads to $2.5 million

DETROIT (AP) -- A display of good manners paid off big for Peter Cummings.

The chairman of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra sat down to compose a personal thank-you note to a woman who had donated $50,000 to the orchestra.

Two weeks later, the woman, Mary Webber Parker, promised another $50,000. Cummings wrote another thank you.

The end result was a donation of $500,000 a year for five years. The $2.5 million pledge made Ms. Parker's donation among the largest given to the orchestra.

When Cummings was a boy, his mother told him always to write thank-you notes. So when he became orchestra chairman last year, he began writing personal notes to anyone contributing $500 or more.

Next month, Ms. Parker will receive an even more personal thanks: a quartet of musicians will fly to her Connecticut nursing home and perform for her and her friends.

"We've had musical performances before, but never a group from an orchestra," she said Wednesday. "It's very special."