Daily Dose - 000202 - Bizarre News, Back for more, Sunday school, talk about dating boys, The Depression Years, Hey Martha
More from the Bizarre News page....
Australia - A woman who left her boyfriend and said she never wanted to hear another word from him got the shock of her life when he (Kirk Draper) sliced away all the flesh surrounding his mouth with a straight razor and sent the hideous pulpy mass of skin to her in a packages with a note saying, "You've got your wish." Draper has not been charged with a crime but is being held for observation at York Psychiatric Hospital. Plastic surgeons say there's no chance of reattaching the lips.
[I wonder what he would've done if she said I don't ever want to see your sorry ass around here again...]
_________________
Washington A team of sociologists recently completed a five city survey which answered the question: "Would you [males] rather go to the Super Bowl or spend a romantic evening in a cozy hotel with a sexy woman?" The results? More than 75% of the men polled would rather go to the Super Bowl.
[...of the 25% not going 10% gay, 10% were hen-pecked and 5% planned on comforting the lonely women]
______________
Lexington, KY 38 year old farmer James Swaise has complained to authorities that a gay space alien has tried to seduce him in as many weeks. That’s right. Farmer Swaise swears that this alien "walked with prissy little steps and swished his shoulders back and forth"
[Swaise has no history of mental illness but no farm animal is said to be safe around him.]
______________
RIO DE JANEIRO - Police in northeastern Brazil have arrested the leader of a religious sect after the penises of three of his followers were chopped off, apparently in an initiation ceremony, authorities said Wednesday.
Donato Brandao, the 28-year-old spiritual head of the sect Mundial, was detained over the weekend in the Maranhao state capital of Sao Luis on charges of ordering a violent assault. The severings were rapidly performed with a kitchen cleaver during an initiation ceremony last Friday on a beach in Sao Luis. Brandao denied any wrongdoing in two newspaper interviews and said that although he was shocked by the accusations, he welcomed the publicity for the sect, which has 12 members.
[...well 12 people with 9 members]
______________
Cordoba, Argentina Eva Amaya, a shapely grounds keeper for the Cordoban Zoo was recently fired for being too sexy around the male chimpanzees! Zoo officials claimed that the sexy Amaya has created a disruptive environment because the male chimps would hoot, holler and do back flips to attract her attention.
[President Clinton upon hearing of this incident immediately called Amaya to lend support and offer a job trimming bushes...]
______________
LONDON - A group of Christians has acquired an historic pub in the northern English city of Bradford in an effort to win converts with good beer and talk about sport. The 170-year-old Cock and Bottle pub would be staffed by unpaid volunteers and would stay open on Sundays, the Times reported on Thursday.
[The drink of the week was said to be a Virgin Bloody Mary]
______________
Ku Klux Klansmen are having an awful time in Northern Illinois. It seems that the local ranks have dwindled to less than 100 diehard racists, and the ones that are left aren't doing very well. A report by a state investigative committee described this cross-burning ceremony at a farm near Georgetown: "After starting an hour late, the Klansmen found the cross was too heavy to lift. It took them nearly three hours to chop it down to size and haul it into place. When they finally managed to erect the cross, they were unable to ignite it."
(...and these guys are the superior race...)
____________
"I snapped or something," said Orval Loyd of Dallas, TX, explaining to police why he had mistaken his mother-in-law for a large raccoon and hacked her to death
(... hey, anybody can make a mistake...)
_______________
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?"
I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too."
_______________
A small boy stunned his parents when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother said, "Where did you get all that money.?
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
_________________
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wanted to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tried to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it was like for her.
Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me. Believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: OK, for starters, how did you keep their cum out of your eyes?
__________________
The Depression Years
During the Depression years, children always found something to do and something to talk about. Those were frustrating years for both the children and the parents, but mostly for the parents. The children didn't know any better.
One day three young boys were playing, and talking about their home life with their parents. One little boy said, "It's about time I be getting home, because if I'm late for supper, my Paw will get mad and whip up on me. He's a real mean Paw."
The second little boy said, "Your Paw ain't mean, I got the meanest Paw in the world." The first little boy said, "How come you say that?" The second little boy said, "Every time I go home, he slaps me if I say something, and if I don't say something he slaps me. Man I just don't know what to do anymore."
The third little boy said, "Not me, I got the best Paw in the world." He plays with me, and do things with me. He's a real good Paw."
The first two boys looked at him kind of funny and said, "Do he teach you how to do things too?"
The third boy said, "He sho' do, he's teaching me how to swim! Every morning he takes me out to the middle of the lake, and let's me swim back to the shore."
The first two said, almost in unison, "Ain't it kind of hard to swim from the middle of the lake back to the shore?"
"Naw, man, that's the easy part, the hard part is getting out of that sack!"
_________________
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
________________
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show.
_______________
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
_______________
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
_______________
Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, November 4, 1999
Rescue leads to college degree for Cuban
LONDON, Ont. (CP) -- A 15-year odyssey that began with an ocean rescue in Cuba ends today when Felix Castillo-Perez receives his diploma from Fanshawe College.
The Cuban native will join almost 1,000 students for graduation and homecoming ceremonies at the college.
Like his classmates, Castillo-Perez, 33, has much to celebrate.
His journey began in 1979 at Varadero Beach, north of Havana. Castillo-Perez was on the beach when he noticed a woman struggling in the water. She'd been dragged out by an ocean undertow.
He jumped into the water and pulled Margaret Heinsohn, a 70-year-old London, Ont., woman, to safety. Forever grateful, Heinsohn vowed to someday bring the young man to Canada so he could study.
In the years that followed, the two families became friends. Heinsohn and her son, William, traveled to Cuba annually, often bringing much-needed medical supplies with them.
When Heinsohn died six years ago, she left money for Castillo-Perez in the hope her promise would be kept.
William, now a semi-retired antique shop owner, took up the pledge and began negotiating for a visa.
Red tape at the Canadian embassy in Cuba delayed the visa, which was finally awarded after member of parliament Sue Barnes intervened.
Since 1994, when he landed in Canada and could barely speak English, Castillo-Perez has learned the language and placed near the top of his class in civil engineering technology.
"I was really impressed to see all the opportunities you have in this country and the warmth of the people," he said.