Daily Dose - 000201 - Three engineers, thunderstorm, Signs Everywhere, scotch and two drops of water, Examples of unclear writing, Hey Martha
Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.
After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer. Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?"
"Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."
Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?"
He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?"
"Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."
Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?"
"I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?"
"Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."
________________
When a mother saw a thunderstorm forming in mid-afternoon, she worried about her seven-year-old daughter who would be walking the three blocks from school to home. Deciding to meet her, the mother saw her walking nonchalantly along, stopping to smile whenever lightning flashed.
Glimpsing her mother, the little girl ran to her, explaining enthusiastically, "All the way home, God's been taking my picture!"
_______________
Signs, Signs Everywhere
In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a classified ad:
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a classified ad:
"Vacation special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts."
_______________
A women is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her, her drink she says "It's my birthday today and I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday".
The bartender says "well since it's your birthday I'll buy you a drink. In fact I'll take care of this one for you."
As the women finishes her drink the woman to her right says "I guess I should buy you a drink too."
The old woman says "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Alright says the bartender." As she finishes her drink, the man to her right says "Since I'm the only one around you that hasn't bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too."
The old women says "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water."
"Comin' right up" the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink he says "Ma'am I'm dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies "Sonny, you learn that when you're my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can't hold your water."
______________
Examples of unclear writing (Sentences taken from actual letter received by Welfare Department in Application for Support..)
1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
2. I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old . When do I get my money?
3. Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
6. This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
7. Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
8. I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
9. In answer to your letter, I have birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
12. Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
13. You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
14. I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
15. In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
16. I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
17. Bill Smith worked for us for six months and when he left we were happy, we hope this help his caractor.
________________
In Canada, they have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
_______________
"Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating high paying jobs for young people."
--Jay Leno
_______________
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it we're closed.
______________
Q. What's the best way to load the dishwasher?
A. Take her to a bar and give her whiskey
______________
Hey Martha (true)
Friday, April 23, 1999
Speedster foiled by blown engine
RENO, Nev. (AP) -- More than 3,000 miles and at least nine speeding tickets after he picked up his new canary-yellow Lotus, Chong Su Yi's road trip came to a grinding halt.
Yi, 38, of Lombard, Ill., was arrested Wednesday in Elko after he led Nevada state troopers on a chase through the high desert.
The souped-up Camaros used by troopers were no match for Yi's new speedster, but fate and physics were on their side. The $92,000 vehicle -- with 3,450 miles on it -- began to billow white smoke.
"The motor probably wasn't broken in yet because he blew the engine," said Trooper Greg Johnson, who arrested Yi on charges of eluding police, speeding and reckless driving.
Troopers discovered Yi, who was briefly jailed, had already gotten two speeding tickets before noon that same day. And that was just in Nevada: He had gotten one ticket in Ohio, three in Iowa, one in Nebraska and at least one in Wyoming since his road trip started in early April.
"He said he was going out to San Francisco to take in the scenery and then going back to the Chicago area," Johnson said.
Not so fast, though: Johnson said Yi probably would have to have his car towed to Salt Lake City because there are no Lotus dealers in Elko.