Daily Dose - 000131 - DIGGIN' A GRAVE, Free at last, Inexperienced Man, Dark Ages Tale, Manufacturing, The Onion, Hey Martha
DIGGIN' A GRAVE
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an asshole."
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Free at last
The judge looked amazedly at the couple in front of him. "You're 97," he gasped, "Your wife is 95, and you've been married for almost 75 years. Why, at this stage of your lives, have you decided that you want a divorce?"
"That woman has driven me crazy long enough, your honor. I only married her in the first place because I had to, and I can't stand it another day."
"Then why have you waited this long?"
"Well, we knew how a divorce would hurt our kids, so we waited until they died."
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"Inexperienced Man"
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between our legs"
Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going ?" she asked, to which he replied : "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
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Dark Ages Tale
Two knights are riding through a forest in medieval England when they come upon a peasant gathering sticks. "Lo there, yon farmer!" exclaims one of the knights, "Why dost thou labor in this forest at so late an hour? There be hostile beasts and men of military about."
"I beg thy forgiveness my lords," replies the peasant, "but my hearth fire did burn to nothing of late, and my animals are bleating with discomfort."
"Very well," responds the knight, "then go thee about your task with haste." The knight then lowers his voice and leans closer to the peasant.
"But I pray thee, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armor be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin."
"My apologies lords, but no. This night I hath seen no one in the forest save thee." The knights thank the peasant and continue on their way. Only a short while later they come upon a milk maid leading a cow along their path. "Halt there, woman! This is not the time for the movement of cattle!" exclaims one of the knights. "Hostile beasts and men of military move in this forest during the night."
"Forgive me sire," responds the maid, "but the young son of my mistress is ill and requires nutrition. All of there cattle are bare, and she did ask that I bring to her a replacement post haste."
"Very well," responds the knight, "bring her the cow but be thee fleet." He then leans closer to the maid and lowers his voice. "But I pray thee, ponder deeply and then reply, hast thou recently seen another knight in this forest, clad as we? His armor be of green hue and painted upon his shield be a rampant griffin."
"No sire," replies the maid, "this unsavory character I have not seen. I would remember such an image."
The knights thank the maid and continue on their way. A short while later one of the knights lifts his visor and turns to the other, "Where the hell is Steve?"
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Manufacturing
A guy and his friend go to a little coffee shop, and the guy orders a hamburger. The guy behind the counter spits in his hands and rubs them against each other, grabs a chunk of ground beef from a dirty bowl with flies flying around, and spits on the grill. Then he puts the chunk of beef under his armpit to make a patty and then throws the patty on the grill.
The guy ordering the hamburger looks at his friend and says, "God damn, that is gross." The friend says, "That's nothing, you should see how he makes the donuts."
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The Onion (satire)
Milosevic Dreams He's Slaughtering Ethnic Albanians In His Underwear
BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA--In an incident he described as "really freaky," Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic dreamed he was ordering the slaughter of tens of thousands of Kosovars while clad only in his underwear Tuesday.
"Everything in the dream was totally normal, except, for some reason, I wasn't wearing any clothes," Milosevic said. "At one point, I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself to go home and get dressed, but I had to stay and order the mass execution of 2,400 villagers in the border town of Podujevo."
Last Friday, Milosevic dreamed he was taking an exam with U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke on a mound of bodies near the Macedonian border.
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Never be afraid to try something new...
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
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Aaron's favourite Sigs:
When you're swimming in the creek, And an eel bites your cheek, That's a moray!
- Fabulous Furry Freak Bros.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Microsoft Windows: Proof that P.T. Barnum was correct.
It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber.
"Foosh. Aaughh!!" "Foosh. Aauuggghh!!"
- Cold spray deodorant....
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET: For best results, wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results, drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.
The statement below is true. The statement above is false.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."
- Katharine Hepburn
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
Kevin's Favourites Sigs:
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind - boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it."
- Gene Spafford,1992
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
When G-d was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?" Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up. "Fine", says G-d, "Women get multiple orgasms."
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- Harlan Ellison
A good pun is it's own reword.
If G-d is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
"Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States."
- J. Bartlett Brebner
Teun's Favourite Sigs:
On a posted sign: Bill Stickers will be prosecuted! The graffiti next to it: Bill Stickers is innocent!
Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we?
Here's a Quarter, call somebody who cares.
I think, therefore, I am... not related to you.
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. - I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. - the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
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Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, February 18, 1999
Junk mail scheme backfires
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- Steven McClung was just trying to get even for all the junk mail stuffed into his mailbox. Instead, he got three years of probation.
McClung, 44, filled out business reply cards in the names of TV characters and of local businessmen and their companies. Winn-Dixie and First Union National Bank, among others, ended up getting boxes of unwanted mail every day for months.
"It was very disruptive for these particular companies that were receiving this unsolicited mail," said prosecutor Andrew Kantor. "There were volumes that they would receive on a daily basis."
McClung, a telemarketer who sells magazine subscriptions, allegedly got the cards from trash cans at post offices.
Prosecutors learned of the problem when a postal employee noticed the number of cards arriving in the name of Winn-Dixie President James Kufeldt.
McClung was arrested Jan. 14 after he'd mailed 20 to 25 cards. He was sentenced Wednesday after pleading guilty to schemes to defraud.
In addition to the probation, he must undergo a mental health evaluation, perform 150 hours of community service and pay $1,000 in court costs.