Daily Dose - 000130 - Why the US doesn't win wars any more, if I were a lawyer, 3 breasts, Christmas 99, Two digits for a date

A Few from The Texas Westons today...

1945 And Now (Why the US doesn't win wars any more)

1945- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet and killed the enemy.
Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet, and wound the enemy.

1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, The losers used a European 9mm.
Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.

1945- If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now- If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.

1945- If you said "damn", people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.

1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now- Everyone has an Internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945- Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now- She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked.

1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.

1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.

1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them
Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You can't heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.

1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now- They collect our pee and analyze it.

1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945- Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now- Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

1945- We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
Now- We can't even beat Iraq or Yugoslavia.

1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec. Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.

1945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now- The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945- You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Now- AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation.

1945-The BX/PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Walmart.

1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945- An old Sergeant would sit in his office with a cigar in his mouth.
Now- He would be in less trouble if it was a penis.

1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we don't offend them.

1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945- If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Now- If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.

1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945- After the war, you could buy your own rifle off the government, cheap.
Now- You can't be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one.

1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
Now- Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of important panty raids. Yea, look what happened to Hitler..

1945- We knew we were fighting for freedom. The country was committed to winning.
Now- We don't know what we are fighting for. The government is committed to Socialism.

1945- All you could think of was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
Now- All you can think of is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

Poet-philosopher George Santayana: "Those who ignore the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them."

__________________

Edited - hilarious - what I would do if I were a lawyer.....

A quick narrative. I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It is a '70 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the prototypical juvenile, male-caveman, scratch your crotch and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires, tra la la la.

I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this *******, overaerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.

Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you ****** idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away, she yells, "*****" at me again.

Twice? **** that. I turn around and drive up next to her.

"Do you have a problem?" I ask.

"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"

"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly."

"You were speeding. I watched you."

" You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator, I am.)

"I heard you."

"So, you measured my speed by ear?"

"I can hear."

" How fast did you HEAR me going?"

"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."

THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding.

"What happened?" he asks. I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.

"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.

She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop.

She tries to find another thing to screw me with. She says "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal."

I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.

"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429, " I told the cop, " Which makes them street legal as a replacement."

Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this asshole?"

The cop says, "No, I am not."

I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that left the street at the corner, and she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."

"What?" The cop looks confused.

"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (My new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."

The cop says, " But, I didn't see any of this."

"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."

The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, he authorized the summonses.

She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge!

OF course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me.

Yea, I've passed the bar, and I'm on a mission from God.

______________________

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"

And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

_______________________

Subject: Christmas 99

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please read the following carefully.......

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)

_______________________

(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then The data goes away.
The data goes away."
But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure

[[ key change, the big finish coming]] There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

__________________

Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, October 21, 1999

Pet owners want to be called 'pet guardians'

By MARY ANN LICKTEIG -- The Associated Press

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- In a city where some people are as likely as their four-legged friends to wear dog collars, the line between the species is being blurred even further by pet owners who want to be known henceforth as "pet guardians."

Language shapes attitudes, they say, and the word "owner" encourages people to treat pets like disposable property. So they are asking that city ordinances be reworded to add "pet guardian" as an alternative term.

The city's Animal Control and Welfare Commission is considering it and will probably vote on it in December.

The fur is flying over the idea.

Supporters liken their cause to abolition and women's suffrage. Lots of other people just roll their eyes.

"I love my dog dearly," said Jenny Huston, who watched her golden retriever, Giacomo, run with other dogs in Duboce Park on a recent balmy afternoon. But she added: "I am not his guardian. I bought and paid for him."

In any case, she asked, "What's the difference?"

Legally, nothing, according to the city attorney who drafted the changes. Owners and guardians would have the same rights and responsibilities, and pets would still be personal property.

The idea came from Elliot Katz, founder of a 15-year-old organization called In Defense of Animals. The proposal is also under consideration in Marin County, just north of San Francisco, where Katz lives.

Anita Carswell, who says she is a "guardian" of 10 cats, wore a "primate freedom" tag to an animal control and welfare commission meeting last week and told the commissioners they have a duty as officers of this famously liberal city to send the measure to the Board of Supervisors for approval.

"I think if this can't happen in San Francisco, where can it happen?" she said.

After all, this is the city that sponsors Pet Pride Day and is the home of George, a pet store that sells whole-grain dog biscuits for $13 a pound. It is also the city with a $7 million SPCA shelter where stray cats and dogs live in private "condos" furnished with wicker furniture, pillows, framed prints and TVs that play nature programs and cartoons. The staff includes six behaviorists.

The debate has led to a hissing match on the editorial pages.

Elizabeth Finkler of Sunnyvale wrote that if animals have rights, they have responsibilities, too. "Start charging them rent," she said.

Thursday, October 21, 1999

Restraining order keeps pets off playground

HILBERT, Wis. (AP) -- Message to all dogs: Stay off the slide and the swing set.

Under an ordinance that takes effect Thursday, pets are banned from the new $35,000 playground equipment in the community's Civic Park. The equipment was installed this summer with village funds and money raised by civic groups.

Trustees approved the anti-pet ordinance after hearing about a recent incident in which someone took a dog for a ride down one of the new slides.

"They wanted to nip it in the bud before it became a problem," Village Clerk Dennis Duprey said.

Pets are prohibited from coming within 20 feet of the playground equipment. Pet owners who violate the law face fines up to $100.