Daily Dose - 000129 - From the Police Blotter, Try these on, MATERIALISM: EXHIBIT A, McDonald's anyone?!, Sshomebody sshtole my car, The Ultimate in Stupidity, WOMENS' VERSION
Some from Joe today....
From the Police Blotter
A 40-year-old man, unidentified in news stories, was arrested in San Antonio in April after he caused a commotion at a Bank One office. According to a bank spokesperson, when the man was informed that his loan application was not approved, the man stripped off his clothes and quacked like a duck.
When police arrived, the man answered questions by quacking and then caused $1,000 damage to a squad car by kicking it.
Paul Domenech, 34, beat drunk-driving charges before a jury in Tampa, Fla., in May. Though police say his car was weaving from lane to lane, he proved that the alcohol officers smelled on his breath was the mixture of rubbing alcohol and gasoline he had just used in a performance in his occupation as a professional fire-breather.
From the Police Reports column of the Glen Ellyn (Ill.) Press of Dec. 19: Eric Hoyt, 21, and Peter A. Thordason, 25, were charged with stealing Christmas trees from a food store lot. However, the two denied they intended to steal the trees: "Thordason allegedly told police he wanted to see how long it would take him to run around the building carrying the tree while Hoyt timed him."
In October, Heber C. Frias, 20, on the lam from a first-degree murder charge in Florida, saw his freedom come to an end in an Arlington, Va., 7-Eleven when he tauntingly stole a candy bar right in front of a clerk, provoking a call to the police, who apprehended Frias just outside the store.
Larry Schweinfurt, 31, was arrested for robbing a cab driver in San Francisco in November. He had held a cleaver to the driver's neck, grabbed the driver's money, then flung the rear door open to get away. However, police said later, the door struck a parking meter and sprang back toward Schweinfurt, hitting him in the head and knocking him out.
In St. Louis in January, Thomas Hall pulled into what looked like a fast-food restaurant's drive-thru to place an order. However, the drive-thru speaker he yelled into was an intercom stand at the Area III St. Louis police station. An officer came out and arrested Hall for DUI. (The next day, after Hall's arrest made local news, deejay "Wacky Pat" Fortune drove up to the same intercom stand to carry out a gag for his listeners. However, an officer checked Fortune out on the computer, discovered unpaid traffic violations, and arrested him as a fugitive.)
A civilian dog in Knoxville, Tenn., came home in December carrying in his mouth a bag of cocaine with a street value of $16,000. His owner declined police efforts to recruit the dog.
Mayor Luther Meadows of Nixa, Mo., was charged in December with assault on a police officer after being stopped for suspicion of drunken driving. After some arguing, Meadows allegedly leaned into a patrol car and punched the officer in the chest, but Meadows claimed he was only touching the deputy's shirt to see whether or not it was foreign-made.
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
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MATERIALISM: EXHIBIT A
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
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McDonald's anyone?!
In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger last month. Here's David Letterman's explanation:
TOP 10 LIST of McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:
10. We were test marketing the new "McTrojan".
9. Condom, Condiment - what's the damn difference?
8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out that the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new even happier Happy Meal.
4. So what - a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"
2. Drive through speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device".
. . . and the number 1 McDonald's excuse for the condom in the Big Mac
1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.
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A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in hand.
A cop on the beat sees him, approaches and asks "Can I help you sir?"
Yessssshh!!! Sshomebody sshtole my car!!", the man say.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wassssshhh at the end of thissssssh key!", the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "Ohhhhhh GOD....they got my girlfriend too!!"
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The Ultimate in Stupidity
You couldn't possibly make these up.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
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WOMENS' VERSION:-
CATHY: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
LISA: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
CATHY: Oh no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
LISA: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts, that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
CATHY: Oh, that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
LISA: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
MENS' VERSION:-
PETE: Haircut?
DAVE: Yep.
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