Daily Dose - 000126 - FART DICTIONARY, mental institution, You play golf!, moved to Arizona, we're getting married, Hey Martha
FART DICTIONARY
THE ALARM FART.
This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.
THE AMPLIFIED FART.
This is any fart that gets its power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time. So will a plywood table, and empty fifty gallon drum, a tin roof, or some empty cardboard boxes if they are strong through being amplified in this way can be called an Amplified Fart. These are common farts under the right conditions.
THE BATHTUB FART.
People who would never in their life know one fart from another, who would like to act like fart don't exist, will have to admit that a Bathtub Fart is something special. It is the only fart you can see! What you see is the bubbles. The Bathtub Fart can be either single or multiple noted and fair or foul as to odor. It makes no difference. The farter's location is what does it. Maybe there is a kind of muffled pong and one big bubble. Or there may be a ping ping ping and a bunch of bubbles. The sound I should point out depends somewhat on the depth of the water, and even more on the tub. If it is one of those big old heavy tubs with the funny legs you can get terrific sound effects. While one of the new thin ones half buried in the floor can be disappointing. But either way, as long as the water is deep enough, whatever the sound, up comes the bubble or bubbles and you have to be quick but glance back over your shoulder and you have seen it, the Bathtub Fart.
THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD FART.
Like the great bald eagle, this fart is pretty well described just by its name. This can either be a group one or a group two fart and can occur just about anywhere. I heard it one time, a group two identification, in a crowded high school auditorium one night, right in that silence that happens when a room full of people has stopped singing the Star Spangled Banner and sat down. It came from the back. There was not a soul in that room that missed it. A fart like that can be impressive. The most diagnostic characteristic of the Biggest Fart In The World is it size.Fart freaks who go around showing off, farting like popcorn machines, and making faces before they fart or asking you to pull their finger and then they fart, never have what it takes for this one, which is rare even among your most serious farters.
THE BURNING BRAKES FART.
A silent fart identified by odor alone. Usually and adult fart, occurring while the adult is driving a car or has a front seat passenger who farts. The Burning Brakes Fart actually does smell a little like burning brakes, and seems to hang around longer than most farts Which gives whoever farted a chance to make a big show of checking to see if the emergency brake has been left on. When he finds it hasn't you know who farted. A common automobile fart.
THE CAR DOOR FART.
Either a group one or a group two fart. Very tricky. It is meant to be a concealed fart. A matter of close timing is involved, the farter trying to fart at the exact moment he slams the car door shut. It is usually a good loud fart. It is one of the funnier farts when it doesn't work, which is almost every time. It is a desperation fart and not too common.
THE CELESTIAL FART.
Not to be confused with the Did An Angel Speak Fart, which is simply any loud fart in church. The Celestial Fart is soft and delicate, surprising in a boy or an adult. It is probably the most shy of all farts and might be compared with the wood thrush, a very shy bird. It does not have the sly or cunning sound of the Whisper Fart. It is just a very small clear fart with no odor at all. Very rare.
THE CHINESE FIRECRACKER FART.
This is an exceptional multiple noted fart identified by the number, and variety of its noises, mostly pops and bangs. Often when you think it is all over, it still has a few pops and bangs to go. In friendly company this one can get applause. Uncommon.
THE CROWD FART.
The Crowd Fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics, and starts a fit of coughing or starts staring at the ceiling or the sky as though something up there fascinates him. In which case he is the one. Very common.
THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART.
This is any loud fart in church. This fart was first called to my attention by my father. He probably read about it somewhere. For fart watchers who go to church this is a good one to watch for as this is the only place it can be found.
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In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago"
"Great," replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!"
Bob says. "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
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Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes.
"You play golf!?" asks Jack.
Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.
" I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.
"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."
Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."
Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"
"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."
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On doctor's orders, Melling had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.
Melling's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.
"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.
"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."
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Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.
One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".
Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).
Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna live there."
Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"
Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week." <pauses to think> "That should be more than enough!"
Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what about children?"
Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"
______________________
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
_______________________
Did you hear about the blonde who got locked into the bathroom?
She was in there so long she peed her pants.
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Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
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Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
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Bosses are like legs. When they get to the top they become asses.
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, January 18, 1999
AOL pulls thesaurus over synonyms for 'homosexual'
DULLES, Va. (AP) -- America Online and Merriam-Webster Inc. pulled an online thesaurus after gay rights organizations complained about the synonyms given for "homosexual."
The thesaurus listed the slurs "fruit," "homo" and "faggot."
The thesaurus was taken offline Friday, and the slurs will probably be removed when the feature returns in about a week, said Deborah Burns, marketing director for Merriam-Webster.
"But first, we're making an apology about this. We were in error in a couple of ways and we're glad someone has brought it to our attention," she said.
Gay rights groups had asked not that the words be removed but that they be flagged as derogatory, said Cathy Renna, a spokeswoman for the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.
"It's not that they are words that people don't know and don't use, but in 1999, they are words that should be presented in some sort of context," she said.