Daily Dose - 000125 - good news and bad news, Do you have the right HMO, HMO Q and A, Real Medical Quotes, Some strange but true medical stories, Hey Martha
Today - medical humour...
Mr. Smith was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done.
A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"
Mr. Smith said, "Tell me the bad news first."
Nurse said, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the crap out of you."
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One from John in Ahmadi
Do you have the right HMO?
Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.
Oh my God", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains: " I am sorry your Majesty. This man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen.If he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll become swollen. He might even die."
"Oh I am so sorry", said the Queen, I was unaware that such a condition even existed."
On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was performing oral sex on a patient.
"Oh my God", said the Queen, "what's happening here??"
The doctor replied: "Same condition, better health plan."
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Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go
back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered
that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if
he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the
physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and
referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the
doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your
insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were
participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no
longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no
longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who
is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a
half day's drive away!
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they
want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear
to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name
brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach
ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly
cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery,
but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement
check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in
one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about,
like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing
your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return,
and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can
handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a
heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10
co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.
Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
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Real Medical Quotes
The following quotes, reprinted courtesy PICOME-SO, were lifted verbatim from the medical records of a general hospital in a large metropolitan area:
"Patient has been married twice, but denies any other serious illnesses."
This 54-year old female is complaining of abdominal cramps with BMs on one hand and constipation on the other."
Dictated: "Patient had a Pap smear today" - Transcribed: "Patient had a Pabst Beer today."
"Patient experiences difficulty swallowing tires easily."
"History: Patient was shot in the head with .34 caliber rifle. Chief Complaint, Headache."
"Patient was struck by an auto while she was walking across the street at approximately 45 miles per hour."
"The left leg became numb at times, and she walked it off."
"Skin somewhat pale but present."
"The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor."
"Coming from Detroit, Michigan, this man has no children."
"If he squeezes the back of his neck for 4 to 5 years it comes and goes."
"Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old white male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it had completely disappeared."
"By the time she was admitted to the hlspital, her rapid heart had stopped, and she was feeling much better."
"Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
"At the time of onset of pregnancy, the mother was undergoing bronchoscopy."
"When you pin him down, he has some slowing of the steam."
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From Jim in Texas...
Some strange but true medical stories:
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's... in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include "remove old patch before applying a new one."
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive."
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for this Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
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I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. But he forgot to pay the bill, so the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, October 26, 1999
Doctor wants casinos to install heart defibrillators
EDMONTON (Edmonton Sun) -- A doctor wants Alberta casinos to install heart defibrillators next to their roulette wheels and slot machines.
Dr. David Shragge of the Alberta Health and Stroke Foundation said casinos are prime heart attack territory because of the stress of high cash stakes and the fact that most of their patrons are over 40.
"Casinos tend to attract older people," Shragge said Tuesday.
"A lot of them smoke. A lot of them are overweight. The potential (for cardiac arrest) is always there."
Shragge said if casinos bought defibrillators, the foundation could train their staff on how to use them.
"The machines are getting more simple to use all the time," he said. "Many of them offer computer voice cues to tell the user what to do at each stage of defibrillation."
Defibrillators apply an electric shock that can help restore a person's regular heartbeat.
Shragge said the provincial government has confirmed that there are no professional restrictions on who can be trained to operate the machines.
One Edmonton casino manager, who asked not to be named, said he supports the idea.
"We have had a few heart attacks here," he said.