Daily Dose - 000122 - Smart is as smart does, Error in the Cemetery, More Bizarre News, DDL, Hey Martha
Smart is as smart does
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself." he said. "You all have "A"s."
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Error in the Cemetery
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap -tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
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More Bizarre News....
Bizarre Laws: California
It illegal for anyone to stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
Sunshine is guaranteed to residents.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Removing your clothes in a bath house is against the law.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
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Convict Makes Sloppy Getaway
LITTLE ROCK, AR - It may sound like a Paul Newman movie, but this daring escape actually took place when a convicted killer was delivered from an Arkansas prison by hiding in a barrel of hog slop.
20-year-old Kenneth D. Williams' prison escape began when he climbed through an 18-by-16-inch opening into a 500-gallon barrel full of water, vegetables and table scraps.
The slop was later moved to a prison farm where Williams cut across a field and made it to the highway. He was captured shortly thereafter and has since been returned to Arkansas.
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Gallery Crook Done In By Artist
New Bedford, MA - A gallery browser walked into Gallery X on Sunday and chatted with a bystander before stealing a large plastic jug containing $100 in donations. Unfortunately for the thief the bystander was an artist who quickly made a sketch of the man and called the police. The sketch led to his capture.
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Your Deceased Loved One Wants To Cruise!
Miami - The Norwegian Sky Cruise Ship is featuring a weeklong NowAge 2000 healing cruise leaving from Miami in March. The cruise features Suzane Northrop, author of The Seance: Healing Messages From The Beyond who specializes in talking to the dead.
So far more than 200 passengers have signed up hoping to get in touch with lost loved ones. Cost: $1,300 to $1,775 per person. Northrop said she began receiving in-the-flesh visits from her grandmother and other deceased souls when she was a girl.
Organizers of the cruise know that other passengers on the ship may not be thrilled to be on their Caribbean getaway with healers, mediums and channelers. "Tough luck," said Cindy Clifford, whose travel agency Gotta Go Cruises is the booking agent.
[I wonder if they can channel anyone from the Titanic?]
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Fake Plastic Surgeon Sought For Botched Operations
Miami Beach, FL - Police are looking for a "butcher" with no medical training who, while posing as a plastic surgeon, mutilated at least three people, including a former male champion bodybuilder who received women's breasts instead of pectoral implants.
The imposter, Reinaldo Silvestre, and two accomplices used an animal tranquilizer in botched operations including the one preformed on bodybuilder, Mr. Mexico of 1975.
The case came to light last month when a videotape was brought to police showing the surgery on the bodybuilder. Miami Beach police Capt. Charles Press spoke about the videotape "... it was obscene. I've been [a police officer] for almost 25 years, and I was repulsed. The guy kept waking up. They told him to lie down and not worry about it. He was in obvious pain."
The videotape showed that Silvestre used an instrument that resembled a spatula during the surgery. It also showed him jamming the implants into the man's chest with his fingers.
[In the future these guys will want to stay abreast of the latest plastic surgical techniques.]
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Remember To Try This Excuse
OSLO, Norway - A Norwegian arrested for driving with a bellyful of booze claims only his teeth were full of liquor.
The 44-year-old man failed a breathalyzer test when he was stopped by police, the Oslo newspaper Aftenposten reported Friday. He claimed the test result was too high because of vodka trapped in cavities in his bad teeth.
[This is a very common habit among drunks. They store booze in their teeth against the winter months when booze is so much harder to come by.]
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Classic Bizarre Moments from the Archives
Japanese doctor Kiro Arikawa claims to have found a cure for insomnia, allergies, anxiety, and plain old stress. Dr. Arikawa insists that the root of all these maladies is simply too little sex.
"Sex is absolutely vital to glowing good health," he explains, "and many people just don't get enough."
The doctor maintains that healthy sex decreases stress levels, and leads to contentment and long life...
(now where can we get this prescription filled?...)
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DDL
On the internet they found romance,
That put both in a hot sexual trance,
But each had a gripe,
About having to type,
With their hand stuck down into their pants.
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Cowboy: "Well, I suppose you've been alright. You've been a decent horse, I guess. A bit slow sometimes, but a decent horse, and..."
Horse: "No, you stupid idiot,... I didn't ask you for FEEDBACK! I said that I wanted my FEEDBAG!"
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Boy (noun): A noise with dirt on it.
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I met a girl whose breasts were growing out of her back.
She was pretty funny looking, but she was great to dance with!
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Tuesday, May 26, 1998
Marijuana grower loses bid to halve sentence because crop was unusable
CALGARY (CP) -- Being an incompetent marijuana grower didn't help a Calgary man's bid to halve his 18-month drug-cultivation sentence.
On Monday, the Alberta Court of Appeal rejected Gregory James Hacke's plea to reduce his jail term for growing pot. Defence lawyer Bob Sawers said Hacke's 18-month term was unwarranted considering the poor quality of his home hydroponics operation.
Sawers provided evidence from a University of Calgary expert that the crop had little chance of surviving. He said the two 1,000-watt bulbs Hacke installed in his southeast Calgary home were inadequate to transform his 461 marijuana cuttings into viable plants.
But the three-member appeal panel said a poor green thumb didn't diminish the commercial potential of the pot-growing endeavor.
Hacke, 29, had pleaded guilty to charges of cultivation and possession of marijuana for the purpose of trafficking.