Daily Dose - 000117 - test, pastor's sermon, rabbinical students, Three Jewish mothers, squirming hogs, DDL, Hey Martha
An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home.
The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."
So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.
The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"
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One Sunday after the church sermon was over and everyone was filing out, we stopped to chat with our friends. My wife said "the pastor's sermon was really bad today."
"Boring too!" remarked one of our gathered friends.
"The choir was just awful, they were off key the whole time" I remarked.
The rest of the group nodded in agreement as my son butted on and said "come, pops, I thought they were pretty good for just a quarter".
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Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told them, "and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes."
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He started to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."
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Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
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Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing. When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks.....
"Vots he goink to do?"
Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!"
The second cries," Bot of us !?!"
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Two old farmers had hauled a truck load of squirming hogs eighty miles from their west Kansas farm to the nearest market. The old truck had overheated twice; the hogs were keeping the truck rocking, even when it was stopped, and the hot summer Kansas wind was drying them out fast.
Within three miles of the market, they passed a tavern and pulled in for a couple of draft beers. The place was dimly lit and air conditioned. After about 20 minutes, one says to the other, "It's going to be really hard to get up, but I recon we ought to."
About that time, a quite obvious prostitute walks up to the bar, works her way in between them, and says, "You guys look about ready for action. I'll do anything you want me to do for $60."
The old farmer pulls three $20 bills out of his pocket and replies, "Here you go, Ma'am; drive that load of hogs to the Maple Street auction barn."
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DDL
There once was a man from Bombay
Who made a puss out of clay
He stuck in his dick
The thing turned to brick
And rubbed his foreskin away
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To the population alarmists: You can fit the entire population of the world in the state of Texas & everyone would have about 1500 sq. ft. to themselves.
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Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
--Tommy Smothers
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If there was a bisexual pride parade, would it go both ways?
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, January 5, 1999
Orangutan family suffers from excessive TV
MOSCOW (AP) -- A plan to educate a group of orangutans on the joys of family life by watching television backfired after the apes became more interested in the tube than each other, The Moscow Times reported today.
The newspaper said keepers at the St. Petersburg Zoo rigged up a TV outside the cage of orangutans Monika and Rabu to show them videos on being good parents. They took the step after the apes had a baby, Ramon, in November, but then started to neglect their offspring.
Rabu, the male orangutan, became so engrossed in watching TV that he started to ignore his mate, Monika, who became upset over his neglect, the paper said.
"We'll reduce the time of TV watching in order to keep the family together," zoo director Ivan Korneyev was quoted as saying.