Daily Dose - 000105 - engagement, conversation heard at a pub, house calls, wearing no knickers, new pair of glasses, Lottery,
Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs.
"Not on her best day," he replied.
"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"
"No, she's broke."
"Well, then, is it sex?"
"Nobody does it like you, babe."
"Then what can she do that I can't?"
"Sue me for child support."
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A conversation heard at a pub:
"Gee, Sam, wish you were here with me."
"But Tom, I am. Look see, I'm right in front of you."
"No you're not."
"Yes, I am."
"Can prove you're not. Bet you $5."
"You're on."
"You're not in New York City, are you?"
"That's true."
"And you're not in Montreal."
"Can't argue with you there."
"And you are definitely not in Paris."
"Nope."
"If you're not in New York City, Montreal or Paris, then you must be someplace else."
"Yea, that makes sense."
"Well, if you're someplace else, you can't be here. So pay up, let's have the $5."
"Can't."
"Why not?"
"I'm not here."
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An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then asked the woman: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that Old Coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
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A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house the father said now you watch me so you will know what to do.
Inside a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she need to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest.
When they got outside the son asked how he knew she was cleaning to much. The old doctor said when he dropped his pen that the floor was so clean, there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere.
When they arrived at the next house the father told his son it was his turn to play doctor. At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick it up. Then he told the woman she was doing to much church work and needed to cut down on what she did.
When the doctors got outside the old doctor asked the young one how he knew she was doing to much church work.
The young one said, "When I bent down to pick up my pen I saw the preacher under the bed."
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An American tourist was walking along a London street on a windy day, when he noticed a beautiful woman walking towards him.
Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the woman's dress up, to reveal that she was wearing no knickers.
The American, trying to sound as English as possible, said to the woman: "It's a bit airy, isn't it, love?"
The woman scowled and replied angrily: "What the heck did you expect, feathers?"
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An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now."
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?"
"You see, she crossed her legs....."
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I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in the Lottery.
Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money.
He kinda scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."
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I LOVE MY JOB
I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he's the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
and the paper that piles up every day!
I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers -
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn't care...
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!
I'm happy to be here, I am I am;
I'm the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.
I love my Job - I'll say it again -
I even love these friendly Men -
These men who've come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!
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Monica Lewinsky will market a super premium cigar this winter.
While most super premium cigars are soaked in brandy, whiskey or cognac; Monica will soak hers in cider.
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Alan Greenspan, SHUT UP. Every time you open your mouth it causes my 401(k) to drop $10,000.
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To all the corporations putting us on hold when we call customer service:
If your product is so successful that you can't handle the call volume, then why can't you afford to hire more customer reps?
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, April 26, 1999
Procession of hearses takes horror buff to grave
COVINA, Calif. (AP) -- Horror buff Rene Ochoa lived by the motto of his beloved Phantom Coaches Hearse Club: "Put the 'fun' back in funeral."
On Thursday, his fellow club members did just that.
Ochoa, known for tooling around in his faded 1965 hearse with vanity license plate "GOULISH," recently died of kidney failure at 30. Ochoa once said he wanted to be buried in a sharkskin suit and his red bowling shirt, after a last trip in his hearse with a motorcade of hearses behind him, friend Kri Kendall said. All of his wishes were carried out.
Following a service at the funeral home, Ochoa's hearse -- which he had nicknamed "Patty Hearse" -- began the procession to Forest Lawn Memorial Park.
Fourteen hearses in all took part, with plates like "LAS RYD" and "MBALMED." A Bonneville's nameplate was altered to read "Bone Ville," while another funeral car had fake skulls and cobwebs.
"The club meant a great deal to him," Kendall said. "I won't say we were his life, but we were his lifestyle."