Daily Dose - 990530 - Funny Historical Accounts (Part 6 of 6), Breakfast at the Diner, Kiss a yard, Jane Smith Cheats, crying with remorse, incurable speech impediment, D.D.L., Hey Martha

Funny Historical Accounts (Part 6 of 6)

DAILY TELEGRAPH (18TH NOV 1988)
Sheffield City Council's Norton Nurseries, England, was home to a magnificent 25ft-tall succulent, Agave americana, which had survived WW2, and 50 British winters. In its native South America is flowers once every 15 years, but in the British climate that was believed to take 50-100 years. In 1988 it began to develop a flower spike and was excitedly tended by nurserymen awaiting the great event - until a council workman reversed his lorry over the plant, smashing it to oblivion.

DAILY TELEGRAPH (25 JUL 1986)
A fireman in Bath, Somerset, England, using a metal detector to trace a fire hydrant which had been covered in tarmac after road resurfacing, dug seven holes in the wrong place before realising the device was being set off by the steel toe-caps in his boots.

DAILY TELEGRAPH (23 AUG 1986)
Water supplies also caused much vexation to historians trying to discover the identity of someone buried in the graveyard of Evercreech Church, Shepton Mallet, Somerset, England. They were trying to identify the person under the gravestone simply marked "H.W.P." until the Wessex Water Authority put them out of their misery by pointing out that it was a marker for the church's hot-water pipe.

DAILY RECORD (18TH MAR 1996)
In 1996 Claude Arcens finally gave up this vigil under the Eiffel Tower. In 1984 someone on the tower dropped a purse which he found and kept, so he returned in the hope of retrieving other treasures. The only thing he found during his 12-year wait was a lighter.

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Breakfast at the Diner

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

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Only a kiss a yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

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Little Tommy (to friend): "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"
Friend: "Why do you say that?"
Tommy: "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out SHE HASN'T GOT ONE!"

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The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible.
"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying with remorse, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged ?"
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

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Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem ?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."

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Q: What has 200 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row of a Hanson concert.

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New feature - the D.D.L. (Daily Dirty Limerick)

There once was a Rabbi from Peru
Who was vainly attempting to screw
His wife said "Oy vey"
If you keep up this way
The Messiah will come before you.

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, January 22, 1998

Prowler arrested in foot ticklings

FONTANA, Calif. (AP) -- A man has been arrested and accused of creeping into homes and fondling women's feet -- once even using a black pen to color a victim's toenails while she slept.

Police arrested Arnold James Collins, 24, shortly before midnight Monday after a woman reported a man had tried to get through her kitchen window.

Collins was paroled a month ago for similar offenses.

Collins was jailed on five counts of burglary. He is suspected in break-ins at 10 or 11 homes during the past month, police said.

"He had been chased several times by husbands and boyfriends, but nobody caught him," Detective David Delair said.

A few windows were broken, but no one was hurt and nothing was stolen.

"He never did anything more than touch, caress and fondle the feet of women," Sgt. Terry Boess said.