Daily Dose - 990529 - Broadway Show, anchor, Down the Drain, Food Spoilage table, drunks, three balls, Hey Martha

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.
He searched in vain for the bathrooms, but he finally found a beautiful fountain with foliage, and nobody was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there.
When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked.
"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"

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Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

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Men have more common sense than women. Name one men's garment that zips up in the back.

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One day I was all set to give a presentation at the Naval War College in Newport, R.I. When I learned that I was scheduled to be the final speaker, it was a point of pride for me.

"In a relay race," I explained to a colleague, "the final runner is calle the anchor. You always put your best runner in the anchor position".

"But this is the Navy," my friend reported. "In the Navy they throw the anchor overboard".

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"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence?

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Down the Drain

Washington D.C. - The U.S. Department of Education has poured more than $6 billion into a program that has fallen far short of its mission to control violence and narcotics in public schools.

Under a Safe and Drug-Free Schools and Communities Act, tax dollars have paid for a fishing trip, tickets to Disneyland, four Glock handguns, even a $22,000 Grand Prix.

In Richmond, Va., where a ninth-grader shot and wounded a basketball coach and a volunteer aid last June, stste education officials spent $16,000 to publish a drug-free party guide that recommends staging activities such as Jell-O wrestling and pageants "where guys dress up in women's wear."

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FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE:

UNMARKED ITEMS:
Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not fart when you open them.

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, if the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Seseme seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.

LETTUCE
Lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

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Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."
So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend.
"So what did she say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

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Joe was very depressed, and he expalined to his friend that "I just can't get over having three balls."
"Three Balls?!?!?!? Pal, we can make a FORTUNE together!!!"
"How?" Joe asked, as a smile returned to his face.
"We'll go to a bar and bet everyone that between you and the bartender, you have five balls. We can't miss!"
"Let's do it!" Joe said.
So they went to the nearest bar and ordered a few beers. They quickly got friendly with the crowd. Then they offered to bet $50 with each person that between Joe and the bartender, they had five balls."
Nearly everyone rushed over to take the bet. But the bartender was shaking his head.
"You don't mind being part of this bet, do you?" Joe asked.
"Not at all," said the bartender. "I'm very impressed! Up until now, I've never met anyone with four balls. I've only got one!"

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, December 16, 1997

A second streaker?

LEE'S SUMMIT, Mo. (AP) -- It takes one to catch one.

Or so claimed a security guard who told police he ran nude through a suburban Kansas City office building to catch another streaker.

Gary Aicard, 51, of Blue Springs, is due back in court Jan. 21 to answer charges of indecent exposure after his arrest earlier this month.

Police said Aicard was spotted by an officer worker after female co-workers complained of a streaker. The employee chased the nude man, cornered him and urged him to give up and get dressed, police said.

When police arrived, the guard told them he thought he could find "the real streaker" by getting naked and befriending him.

Police said they didn't the buy the story of a second streaker.