Daily Dose - 990526 - 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's, zebra, Warped Thoughts, Images of Dad, wallpaper, Hey Mahmood

Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's

22.Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
21.Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
20.Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to your bookmarks.
19.You have a "to do list" that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks - and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.
18.You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
17.Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
16.You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
15.You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
14.You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
13.Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
12.Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more.
11.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
10.You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
7.You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
6.You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
5.You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors.
4.You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.
3.You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
2.You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.

And the number 1 sign you've had too much of the 90's:

1.You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

_____________________

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited, she got out of the horse float to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra what are you?"
"I'm a cow" said the cow.
"Right, right what do you do?"
"I make milk for the farmer"
"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran
over to it
"Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?"
"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.
"Oh, right, what do you do ?"
"I make eggs for the farmer"
"Right - o, great see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you."
"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.
"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"
"Take off your pajamas darling and I'll show you."

_____________________

Warped Thoughts
originally from George Carlin

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hosttage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What's another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
8. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they gamish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is he naked or homeless?
20. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

_____________________

The Images of Dad :

4 YEARS OF AGE My Daddy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Dad knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Dad doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Dad doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Dad? He's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old man? He's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, he might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Dad's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Dad would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Dad.....

_____________________

"I got married", said the first tavern regular, "so that I could have sex 3, 4 or 5 times a week."
"That's very ironic", said the second regular. "That's exactly why I got divorced."

____________________

Q. How does every ethnic joke start?
A. By looking over your shoulder.

____________________

Paddy decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that his friend Mick next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Mick," he said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Mick.
Paddy bought the ten rolls of paper, did the job, but had two rolls left over.
"Mick," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got two left over."
"Yes," said Mick. "So did I."

_____________________

Hey Mahmood

April 26, 1999

Arab Times: Iran Bans Skull-Carving

Iran siad Sunday it has banned worshippers from carving open their skulls with swords as part on an ancient self-flagellation ritual in this week's traditional ceremonies of mourning.

"According to the fatwa (religious decree) by Shiite dignitaries, self-flagelation is prohibited during the mourning ceremonies" Iranian police said in a statement.

In recent years police have tried to curb the practise of "Ghameh-Zani," in which devout Shiite Muslims cut open their shaved skulld during the holy mournig month of Moharam that began last week.

The rite, which is also widely practiced in Lebanon and Pakistan, "gives the impression that Shiite Muslims are superstitious and irrational," supreme leader Ayataollah Ali Khamenei said. (AFP)