Daily Dose - 990525 - Morning Song, Did you know, Six Presidents, barroom, no small claims, highschool reunion, Hey Martha
THE MORNING SONG ... FOR NON-MORNING PEOPLE
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his f**king head.
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Did You Know?
A family was all together recently, just hanging around. The sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
The bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?"
To which the father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."
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SIX PRESIDENTS
6 Presidents were on a sinking ship.
Gerald Ford said, "What do we do?"
George Bush said, "Man the lifeboats!"
Ronald Regan said, "Huh? What? Lifeboats?"
Jimmy Carter said, "Women and children first."
Richard Nixon said, "Screw the women and children."
Bill Clinton said, "Do you think we have time?"
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Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . "
"Stop-I don't permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope . . "
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you."
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A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
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Was heard on a public transportation vehicle while in Orlando. "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
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No Small Claims
San Diego - Randall C. Hutchens, 45, has figured out how to win in the stock market without buying any stock. Over the past 3 years he has filed more than 60 lawsuits accusing public companies of shareholder fraud, authorities say. At least 15 companies have paid more than $30,000 in all just to make him go away.
Hutchens never bought stock in the companies that paid him off. His cost involved just court fees of about $20. His place of business was a 6 by 11 foot cell in a federal prison. Hutchens is serving time at the Metropolitan Correctional Center for terying to bilk the IRS out of $297,000 in tax refunds - his second felony conviction.
Shareholder fraud cases, ususlly filed in federal court, involve allegations that investors suffered because a company misled or deceived them. Of course, these cases must be filed on behalf of people who actually own or owned stock.
Hutchens files in small claims court, where damages are often limited to $5000. For that much money "you can't hire an attorney in California, and Hutchens knows that", says Clarence Ehlers, a spokesman for the National Steel Corp., which coughed up $2500 rather than fight.
Like all the companies that have paid Hutchens, National Steel didn't know it was settling with a plaintiff who dresses in khakis and who is known by his eight digit inmate number. Through his attorney, Hutchens declined to answer questions about his lawsuits.
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An old man decides to go to his highschool's 50 year reunion. He hasn't seen anyone since their 25 year reunion and is very interested to see who might show up. When he gets there he runs into his old highschool sweetheart. They sit down at a table and talk about the past 25 years.
"How have you been?" he says.
"just fine, just fine" She replies. "Although I do have some good news and bad news for you."
"Bad news first please"
"Well, I had to have a hysterectomy a few years back."
"Oh, that's terrible" He says "What's the good news?"
"She says "The doctor found your old high school ring you thought lost."
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Hey Martha (true)
Tuesday, February 24, 1998
Long lost ring returned
HINTON, W.Va. (AP) -- Ron Lilly watched in horror 31 years ago when a disapproving girlfriend's mother flushed his high school ring down a toilet and into sewer oblivion.
He wasn't to see it again -- until earlier this month. The ring was returned to Lilly this month in a package sent to Summers County High School from Virginia Beach, Va. The school searched its 1967 yearbook and matched the initials "R.L.L." on the ring with Lilly.
Lilly was dating the younger sister of a classmate in Charleston in May 1967 and had given the ring to the girl to signify they were going steady. One evening, the girl's mother came in and expressed her disapproval of the romance, which ended about 18 months later, and flushed the gift down the toilet.
But how did the ring make it back to Lilly?
Herbert Milam of Virginia Beach unknowing picked up the ring 14 years ago with two truckloads of fertilizer from the sewage processing plant near Charleston to apply to his lawn.
He found it while mowing his yard in Sissonville, W.Va. about five years later. His wife, Dolly, put it in her jewelry box, where it remained for several years.
In 1995, after the couple moved to Virginia Beach, Mrs. Milam rediscovered the ring. The couple noticed the Hinton High School insignia and shipped it back to the school -- and, eventually, to Lilly.