Daily Dose - 990524 - Better Definitions, Greeting Card phrases, hypnosis, last wish, aligators, low cut dress, preacher, Hey Martha

BETTER DEFINITIONS?
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
Places where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.

____________________

Some tasteless phrases for your Greeting Cards:

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over, love
You're about to get fisted.

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cos here comes my willy

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are crap
Violets are shit
Sit on my face
And wiggle a bit

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me titter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter

Roses are red
When in reality
sleeping with girls
don't beat bestiality !

Roses are red
but I like carnations
you're so crap in bed
that I fucked your alsatian

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
just like your Vagina

Roses are red
it's elementary
Let's ring up a friend
and try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me yer clit
And I'll cum in yer lap

_________________

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

_________________

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

_________________

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight ?"

The cousin smirked and replied, "Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight."

________________

A busty young thang was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked the sales lady if she thought it was too low cut.

"Do you have hair on your chest?"

"No-certainly NOT!!!"

"Then it's too low cut."

_________________

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

__________________

Hey Martha (true)

Friday, March 27, 1998

Driving in the nude

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) -- A teen-age couple's drive through the city had the makings of an R-rated movie, complete with nudity and a traffic accident.

The couple was out for a drive without their clothes on and ran into another car.

Bystanders discovered Kelsey A. Bowser, 17, and her passenger, Matt Ferguson, 18, scrambling to get their clothes on after the crash Tuesday at an intersection west of the Florida State campus.

Bowser, who was pinned in the car, managed to get just her underwear on before waiting for authorities to cut her out, witness Cynthia Pearson said. "I was standing over the window so she could do what she had to do," said Pearson, who was eating at a Chinese restaurant with her family when Bowser's car careened to a stop just shy of the building.

Ferguson who had been riding in the back seat, had to find his clothes first. He was able to get out of the car.

Bowser faces charges of driving while her license is restricted, driving without headlights and having no proof of insurance, Tallahassee Police Department spokesman Dan Buie said.