Daily Dose - 990519 - Age, Bar Speak, interpretations, moral of the story, sweet tooth, statue
A few from John in Qatar...
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?"
"I'm 4 and half."
You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number.
"How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony - you BECOME 21....
But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? My, you sound like bad milk. He TURNED?!.....What changed???
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50..then you make it to 60...Whew...I didn't think I'd make it...
MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed,
you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. And it doesn't end there...
Into the 90's, you start going backwards:
I was JUST 92.
Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again:
I'm 100 and a half!!
Age is a funny thing.
____________________________
Bar Speak
* "I'll get this one, next one is on you."
Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
* "I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
You stuck up little twit, too good for your old friends??
* "Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
* "You get this one, next round is on me."
We won't be here long enough to get another round.
* "Lets get out of here."
I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
* "I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
* "I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
I'm horny.
* "What do you have on tap?"
What's cheap?
* "I've had like 10 beers already."
I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
* "Excuse Me." (male to male)
Get the #%)* out of the way.
* "Excuse Me." (male to female)
I am going to grope you now.
* "Excuse Me." (female to male)
-Don't even think about groping me, just get the #%)* out of the way.
* "Excuse Me." (female to female)
Move your fat butt. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. And Get your eyes off of my man.
* "I don't have my ID on me." (female)
I'm 19.
* "I don't have my ID on me." (male)
I am actually 45, but the 22 year old girl I brought thinks I am 30
___________________________
INTERPRETATIONS
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's bonnet.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
LESBIAN (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch.
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing cricket without a box.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the lads.
BUM (bum) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ for mooning (and farting).
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: What men have to call "shagging" to get women to shag.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2 minutes.
_________________________
Moral of the story A turkey was chatting with a bull:
I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fornight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story:
*** Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.****
_________________________
Newly married to a man who shares my sweet tooth, I was not that surprised when I found a plastic bag tucked away in our closet containing small pink, blue and yellow balls.
Thinking I had happened upon a secret gumball stash, I popped a bright yellow ball into my mouth.
One bite proved me wrong. I discovered instead that my new husband had a hobby: paintball!
________________________
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her> husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.