Daily Dose - 990518 - walking her dog, stain, make love to 100 women, shepherds, Big Tits, The Onion, Hey Martha

I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier.

As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have."

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you're wearing."

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile.

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"

"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?"

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him 'Porky'?"

"Because he likes to fuck pigs!"

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are riding in an elevator from the 14th floor to the lobby.

The redhead notices a spot on the elevator wall and says, "That looks like a cum stain."

The brunette leans over and smells the stain.

"Smells like a cum stain," she says.

The blonde leans over and tastes the spot, then says, "Well, it's nobody from this building."

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A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all. Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day.

The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts. True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes:

49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied:

97............ 98............. 99................ and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.

The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says,

"I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

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Q: Why do so many brides start to get crow's feet as soon as they are married?

A: From squinting and saying: "Suck what?"

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The bitter Anatolian winter was almost over when one Armenian shepherd turned to the other and confessed that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flocks.

The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "It's great selling the wool in the market and spending some of the money on raki and women, eh?"

"That's not it," said his companion. "I just can't WAIT to see them naked!"

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The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big tits."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big."

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The Onion (satire - thank God)

Just Six Corporations Remain

NEW YORK--MCI-WorldCom and Bank One-Chase Manhattan merged in a blockbuster $112 billion deal Monday, forming the world's largest telecommunications/banking company and reducing the number of existing corporations to six.

"This is an exciting move for both companies," said Donald Cosgrove, CEO of MCI-WorldCom, whose subsidiaries include SBC-Ameritech, Bell Atlantic-NYNEX and McDonnell Douglas. "As a result of this historic merger, we should be in much better position to consolidate vast amounts of wealth and power in the coming years."

The other five remaining corporations are Daimler-Chrysler, Monsanto-American Home Products, Shearson-Lehman-Chemical-Citicorp-Travelers Group, Paramount-Viacom-ABC-Disney, and Lockheed-Northrop-Boeing-Pepsico.

According to Forbes managing editor Russell Belanger, at the current rate of mergers, there will be only one corporation in the world by 2000.

"The six remaining corporations have shown great interest in merging with each other," Belanger said. "Clearly, the stage is being set for the long-discussed creation of UniCorp, a $92 trillion corporation that produces every product on earth, from canned yams to basketballs to poison gas."

Belanger said mergers are desirable because they give corporations "synergy," enabling them to better sell their products. "Take Paramount-Viacom-ABC-Disney, for example," he said. "Disney makes the movie, Joel Siegel of Paramount-owned ABC-TV gives the movie a rave review, and Disney subsidiaries Blockbuster and McDonald's promote the video release of the movie in their respective stores with mail-in rebates and Happy Meal action figures. It's a win-win scenario."

Bill Clinton, chief executive of U.S. Government, a division of MCI-WorldCom, praised Monday's merger as "an excellent move."

A spokesperson for the newly formed Bank One-Chase Manhattan-MCI-WorldCom said the company plans to cut 92,000 jobs this month.

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Hey Martha (true)

Tuesday, October 13, 1998

Britain's village pubs may double as doctor's offices, job centers

LONDON (AP) -- A pint of ale and a checkup, please.

That could be the order in Britain's village pubs under a government proposal to locate doctors' offices, job centers and post offices in unused rooms at local watering holes, The Daily Telegraph reported Tuesday.

As the focal point for many rural communities, pubs would be ideal sites for such services, according to a Rural Development Commission plan aimed at revitalizing rural life.

The commission is seeking government grants for village pubs so they can open unused rooms and outbuildings for the good of the community.

Nearly half the 9,000 rural communities examined, all with populations of less than 10,000, have no post office and 80 percent have no doctor's office, the Telegraph said. Almost none have job or benefit centers.