Daily Dose - 990517 - Funny Historical Accounts, First train ride, snowdrift, My dad scribbles a few words, MIT course evaluation guide, a statue, The Onion, Hey Martha

Funny Historical Accounts (Part 4 of 6)

SUSSEX EVE ARGUS (20TH DEC 1990)
Athlete John Oliver, 31, went all the way from Bournemouth, Dorest, England, to Nepal - a journey of over 5,000 miles - to take part in his first marathon, only to sprain his ankle on the starting line.

DAILY MIRROR (25TH MAY 1990)
Security measures bring their own headaches. In Broadway, Worcestershire, England, in 1990, a safe was unlocked for the first time since its key had been lost in 1942. All it contained was a note urging people not to lose the key.

DAILY TELEGRAPH (16 SEPT 1986)
In Mumbles, Swansea, England, Robin Branhall got tired of vandals who had broken the window of this surfing shop more than 20 times, so he fitted an unbreakable one. Arriving at his shop next day, he found the entire window had been stolen.

REUTERS (20TH JULY 1994)
Likewise, a Dutchman who invested more than $1,000 in a police trained guard dog to protect his house in Schalkhar woke up two days later to find the house had been broken into. The only think the burglars had taken was the dog.

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First Train Ride

It was Anthony's first ride in a railway train, and the succession of wonders reduced him to a state of hysterical astonishment.

The train rounded a slight bend and, with a shriek of its whistle, plunged into a tunnel. There were gasps of surprise from the corner where Anthony was kneeling. Suddenly the train rushed into broad daylight again, and a small voice lifted in wonder.

"It's tomorrow!" exclaimed the small boy.

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Ad found among the miscellaneous listings in the Stanwood/Camano, Wash., News:

"Caution homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood - Daughter will be learning to drive. Use caution after leaving garage or porch. Farmers advised to place hay bales around barns, farm equipment and slow moving livestock. She will be driving white sedan with frightened father aboard".

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It says something about our times that we rarely use the word sinful, except to describe a really good dessert.

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One day my brother-in-law Don got stuck in a snowdrift, and his efforts to try and free his car proved fruitless. Finally, hi neighbour came by. The neighbour grabbed a chain, hooked it on to his truck, wrapped it around Don's rear bumper, then started to back up the truck. Suddenly, the car's bumper ripped off and went flying.

The neighbour got out of his truck, assessed the situation and said, "Well Don, we'll have to pull out bigger pieces than that or we'll be here all day".

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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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MIT's Course Evaluation Guide

The following are actual comments from MIT's Course Evaluation Guide:
"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
"Textbook is confusing... someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."
"The instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. He tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
"TA steadily improved throughout the course. I think he started drinking and it really loosened him up."
"The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."
"He is one of the best teachers I have had. He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

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There was an old Italian man who had moved to the US in his youth. He worked hard his whole life at a fruit stand, frugally saving every penny he could, investing money in stocks. When the time came to retire, he had made enough to have his dream house built.
He hired an architect and eagerly started planning out his mansion. After working out most of the rest, the architect asked if there was anything special the Italian man wanted to include.
"Yes," he said, "I-a allus-a want one of-a those-a hollow estatues at-a the bottom of-a the stairs!"
"No problem!" said the architect, "I'll pick a really beautiful one!"
Comes the day for the grand opening of the house, and the Italian man's first look at it. He goes inside and excitedly runs around the house, looking at everything and exclaiming "Yes, yes! That's-a just how I want it!". He gets to the foot of the stairs and sees a stunning porcelain Venus De Milo on a pedestal.
He turns to the architect and says "'ey! What's-a that?"
The architect, somewhat baffled, says, "That's the hollow statue you asked for."
"No, no, no!" the Italian man replies, shouting in the architect's face and waving his hands, "I no-a ask for that, I wanna hollow estatue!"
"Well, I'm afraid I don't understand. Could you explain to me what you want?" the architect asked.
In the patient voice used on small children, the Italian man carefully said, "I want-a that-a thing. It sit-a on the table. It-a say 'Ring ring'. You pick-a it up and say-a . . . "hallo, estat you?"

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The Onion (satire)

Bureau Of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms Reaches Trade Agreement With Food & Drug Administration

WASHINGTON, DC--The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, & Firearms and the Food & Drug Administration reached a formal trade agreement Monday. Under the terms of the deal, the ATF will provide the FDA with alcohol, tobacco and firearms in exchange for equal value in food and drugs.

"My administrative assistants and I were enjoying some of our food the other day when it hit us," FDA Commissioner Michael Friedman said. "We have tons of food lying around, and tons of drugs, but nothing to drink, smoke or shoot. Then, someone--I think it was [deputy commissioner] Phil [Royce]--suggested we call up those guys at the ATF across town and see what we could get. Turns out, they were ready to deal."

Said ATF Director John Magaw, "You work up a powerful hunger dealing with all this alcohol and tobacco. So when Michael told me he had some food and drugs to offer, I told him to come over and help himself to whatever he liked, even the firearms."

In the deal, the FDA received 345,000 bottles of Jack Daniel's, a quarter-million cartons of Merit Ultra Lights and 27,000 guns, including 4,300 Smith & Wesson .38 snub-nosed revolvers, 2,500 Glock .380 ACP pistols, and 1,850 Colt Anaconda .44 Magnums.

In return, ATF officials were permitted to pick anything they liked from the federal fridge and national drug stash. They took 190,000 packs of Oscar Mayer hot dogs, 25,500 pints of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream, 7,200 bags of Cheetos, a half-ton of marijuana, and 300,000 kilos of pure, uncut Colombian cocaine.

Insiders report that the exchange, performed late last night at ATF headquarters, was "completely satisfactory to both sides."

"I like a beer now and then, but I'm not much of a smoker," FDA inspector Ed Walls said. "I'm more of a food-and-drugs type of guy. But after I picked out a Coors Light Party Pak, I started poking around and wound up going home with a bunch of automatic rifles and this cool grenade launcher."

"This is a great day for both agencies," ATF Assistant Director Wilbur Karros said. "I can't deny that some friction has always existed between us, usually on issues of jurisdiction--who gets what contraband, is a bottle of absinthe considered alcohol or drugs--things like that. But now that we've gotten together, everyone can get all the stuff they want."

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, April 14, 1999

Fund-raising women swap jam-making for nude modeling

SKIPTON, England (AP) -- Members of the Women's Institute, famous for making jam and baking cakes, are stepping out of their kitchens -- and their clothes -- to raise money for charity.

The institute, an 85-year-old icon of traditional British domesticity and charity, is publishing calendars for next year with provocative photos of their members.

Each month shows 45- to- 60-year-old members of the Rylstone District Women's Institute in North Yorkshire taking part in various homely pursuits -- in the raw.

But all the photos include artfully arrange knitting or cooking utensils to prevent them from being too explicit.

"We didn't expect this much fuss," said Miss November, 49-year-old Rosalyn Fawcett, after the calendar made the national newspapers and the TV evening news. "While we were doing it, we were a bit nervous at first. But it ended up being good fun thanks to quite a lot of red wine."

January features Beryl Banforth, a 65-year-old retired secretary, chairing a meeting of members wearing nothing but hats. The year ends with the women singing carols in nothing but Santa hats.

The North Yorkshire chapter is just a part of the 260,000-member National Federation of Women's Institutes, which also works for family welfare, environmental and consumer issues, and provides hundreds of adult education courses.