Daily Dose - 990516 - You might be an Engineer, genie, old man's complaint, Nursery Rhymes, favourite sport, The Onion, Hey Martha

You Might be an Engineer

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
If you window-shop at Radio Shack.
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fimovie looking for Technical inaccuracies.
If you have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage-door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor-driven.
iF you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
If you've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
If your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explainatmospheric absorption theory.
If your laptop computer costs more than your car.
If your four basic food groups are 1. caffeine 2. fat 3. sugar 4. chocolate.
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
If you want an 18X CD-ROM for Christmas.
If Dilbert is your hero.
If you can name six Star Trek episodes.
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 266MHz Pentium II Processor.
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN (or RTN) stands for.
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer and what size screwdriver to use.
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
If you know what http:// stands for.
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers but you don't remember where they are.
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
If you have more toys than your kids.
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
If your IQ is bigger than your weight.
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix them.
If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary.
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
If you have ever taken the back off of your TV just to see what's inside.
If a team of you and your coworkers has set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
If you have never backed up your hard drive.
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."
If you see a good design and still have to change it.
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.

_____________________

The editor's extremely profuse apologies for this truely tasteless and racist joke...

There were three guys walking down a beach.. A Jew, a Black guy and a white guy.

They stumble upon a lamp which, naturally, they rub. Out comes the Genie and he says they each get one wish.

The Jew goes first and says "I wish all my people could go back to Israel and live in peace and harmony." The genie snaps his fingers and the Jew disappears.

The Black guy goes next. He says, "I wish all my people could go back to Africa and live in peace and harmony. The genie snaps his fingers and the black guy disappears.

It's now the white guy's turn. He says, "Wait a minute, all the Jews are in Israel?"

The genie says yes. "And all the Blacks are in Africa?"

The genie again says yes.

"OK, I'll have a Martini."

___________________________

My Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today" the Doctor asked?

The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath....Doctor I'm scared !!!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said : "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

His response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

__________________________

Nursery Rhymes

This Little Piggy

This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had roast beef.
This little piggy had none.
This little piggy went wee, wee, wee bought some Depends disposable undergarments to solve that problem.

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
And his winter wasn't bad either.

Mary

Mary had a little lamb,
Little lamb, little lamb,
Mary had a little lamb,
So she is suing the test tube lab.

Fuzzy

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bare,
Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair,
Fuzzy Wuzzy was arrested for indecent exposure and is now serving time in the state pen.

Garden

Mary, Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow,
Spraying pesticides and herbicides all down the row?

Bridge

London Bridge is in Arizona, Arizona, Arizona.,
London Bridge is in Arizona, as a tourist trap.

Peter

Peter, Peter wife beater
Had a wife and used to beat her,
'Till she shot him with a shot gun shell,
And sent that bastard straight to hell.
Then she sold the movie rights.
It's now a mini series on Tuesday nights.

Jack

Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
And burned his dick.

________________________

Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would be.

The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants.

"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little costumes, and think of the holds."

"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys rounded the bases.

Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 'Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -------recognition!"

________________________

The Onion (satire)

Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeros

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero Monday.

With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the software giant.

"Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However, changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek compensation for the use of our numerals."

A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer, Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the 10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly.

"While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core, just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net worth of this company."

"If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs."

As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next millennium." Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer.

Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground, maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft.

"We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation, or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else that we own the rights to these numbers."

Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man in the world."

According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized.

"Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero, Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity, and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much everything."

Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file liens on infinity and pi this week.

Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as walking, stretching and smiling.

In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will, ultimately, benefit all humankind.

"Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes."

_________________________

Hey Martha (true)

Monday, October 26, 1998

Iraq accuses Israel of dropping crocodile eggs in Iraqi lakes

BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP) -- Deadly pens and exploding cigars? Amateur spy toys.

Israeli spies -- according to a popular Iraqi newspaper -- have put crocodile eggs into two lakes in northern Iraq.

That ploy follows the release of "large quantities" of cobra snakes near Iraqi forces in the north, said Babil, a daily newspaper owned by Odai Hussein, President Saddam Hussein's oldest son.

Northern Iraq is under the control of Kurdish factions helped by a no-fly zone enforced by U.S. and allied warplanes.

Adnan Mufti, a representative of the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan, which controls the region around the lakes of Dokan and Darbandi Khan, called the report "silly and stupid propaganda."

"How can one do that in lakes where thousands of our people live and eat from their fish?" he said from Cairo, Egypt.

The newspaper did not elaborate on the goal of the operation.