Daily Dose - 990515 - Creation of the computer, dentist's office, Viagra, circulation lesson, promotion, red headed baby, The Onion, Hey Martha

Creation of the Computer

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs ?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless - since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

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A lady walked into the dentist's office, took off her underwear, sat down in the chair and spread her legs wide.

"You must have made a mistake," said the shocked dentist, "the gynecologist's office is one level higher."

The lady replied, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."

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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

_______________________

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."

_______________________

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

· has to work hard;
· has to work at great depths;
· has to work upside down;
· has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
· has to work in a high humidity environment;
· has to work at high temperatures;
· does not get weekends and holidays off;
· does not get time off after extra hours of work;
· has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request denied for the following reasons:

· does not work 8 hours in a row;
· does not answer immediately to all requests;
· does not have a degree;
· after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
· shows no fidelity to the workplace;
· retires too early;
· does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
· does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

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One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

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After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors my have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Oriental."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

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The Onion (satire)

Computer Analyst Unable To Fashion Crude Tools, Grind Wheat

SEATTLE--According to reports, computer analyst Isaac Glenn, who earns $120,000 a year organizing and upgrading computer networks, does not know how to fashion crude tools or grind wheat.

"I guess to grind wheat, you'd probably cut it off the stalk and then maybe use some kind of crushing device to mash it until it's powder," Glenn said. "I don't really know what you'd do with it then. Maybe cook it, I guess."

Glenn added that network administrators should use jacketed, certified cat-5 cable and keep runs perpendicular to electrical lines to prevent data integrity problems in 100BaseT networks.

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, April 5, 1999

Drag-queen nuns hold Easter-day party despite irking church

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Fishnet was big, heels were high and emotions ran deep as the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence -- drag queens dressed as nuns -- threw a 20th anniversary bash here Sunday despite criticism from Roman Catholics that their rituals smacked of heresy.

The typically irreverent street party -- which featured bands, Easter bonnets and a "Hunky Jesus" beauty contest -- infuriated church officials, who said holding the parody on Easter Sunday was like neo-Nazis parading on Passover.

But supporters of the roughly 30 sisters -- a group of faux nuns well-known for shimmying in Spandex to raise money for charity -- said they deserved to celebrate their anniversary. The sisters say they formed on Easter Sunday, 1979.

"The message of Easter is one of resurrection," said Tom Ammiano, president of the city's Board of Supervisors. "I think that it's time in San Francisco that we resurrect that spirit of co-existence that has existed for the past 20 years."

Ammiano spoke to a crowd of thousands who gathered under sunny skies in San Francisco's predominately gay Castro District for the event.

The board found itself dropped into a debate over the sisters after approving a permit that closed a city block for the party.

"City government has gone out of its way to associate itself with this ridicule and blasphemy," Archbishop William Levada wrote Friday in Catholic San Francisco, a church newspaper.

Some officials, including Mayor Willie Brown, then tried to rescind the permit. It didn't work, but Ammiano is expected to meet with Levada in a peace talk of sorts.

No protesters attended the party.

"Everyone is in his or her own neighbourhood celebrating as he or she may choose," said Supervisor Mark Leno. "And that certainly is what San Francisco is all about. We've got room for everybody."