Daily Dose - 990512 - Texan baby, Texan in Ireland, Texan in Chicago, Cowboy, pilot's message, Hey Martha
With apologies in adavance to all my friends in Texas.....
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby weighing twenty pounds. "WOW!" from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
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A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him answered, "Yes ma'am, ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete outfit."
Well, her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where he would like to start?"
Well, ma'am, "How about a suit?"
"Yes, sir ... what size?"
"Size 53 ... tall, ma'am"
"Wow ... that's really big."
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?" she asked.
He replied, "How's about some shoes."
"What size?"
"Size 15 ... double D."
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"What's next?"
"Well, ... I reckon I'll need a shirt."
"Yes, sir ... what size?"
"Nineteen and a half ... 38," he replied.
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
"Will there be anything else?" she crooned.
"Yes, ma'am, I expect I'll need a hat."
"Yes, sir, what size?"
"Nine and five-eights."
"Wow ... that's really big!"
"Yes, ma'am ... they really grow them big in Texas."
She virtually glowed as she asked, "Whew ... is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No ma'am, I reckon that will be all."
Well, the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan was counting out his money ...
She asked, "Sir could I ask you a ... question?"
"Yes, ma'am, I already know what it is ... and the answer is ... four inches."
She is astonished and blurts out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"
Without so much as a stutter the Texan replied, "Across ma'am?"
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A kid walked up to a guy wearing a 10-gallon hat, leather vest, leather chaps, and sneakers. The kid asked him, "Mr. Cowboy, why do you wear that big hat?"
The cowboy replied, "Well, son, the big hat protects me from hot sun and driving rain, and at night I put it over my face when I sleep on the range, so it protects me then, too."
The kid asked, "Why do you wear that leather vest?"
"It also helps to keep the weather off me, and it has pockets where I can keep my valuables."
"Well, why do you wear them leather chaps?"
"They protect my legs when I'm driving my horse through mesquite and cactus."
"Well, Mr. Cowboy," the kid finally asked, "Why do you wear them SNEAKERS??"
"That's so somebody won't think I'm a damn truck driver."
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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Ad in Lancaster, Wis., Grant County Herald Independant:
"For sale: 15 hp outboard motor, last seen in good running condition. Must have scuba gear to see."
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Hey Martha (true)
Friday, February 26, 1999
Speeder unclear on concept
ORILLIA, Ont. (CP) -- A teenager speeding to a meeting with a company that specializes in fighting traffic tickets faces a long list of charges after being clocked at 194 kilometres an hour.
The 18-year-old man from Orillia was pulled over by provincial police on Highway 11 near Barrie on Wednesday afternoon after he was caught on radar exceeding the 90 kilometre an hour speed limit by more than 100 kilometres an hour, police said.
The driver told the officer that he was headed to a meeting with the ticket-busting company in connection with a previous charge he faced, police said.
The man whose name was not released is charged with dangerous driving, speeding, having a radar warning device, failure to stop, carrying a concealed weapon and breach of probation.