Daily Dose - 990511 - Funny Historical Accounts, The WC, group picture, Choir Troubles, Bizzare Suicide, Hey Martha

Funny Historical Accounts (Part 3 of 6)

BIG ISSUE (20TH FEB 1995)
After three days of uninterrupted heavy music from the flat next door, Gunthwilde Blom, 63, of Klagenfurt, Austria, began to get cross. She hammered on the walls and put notes under the door of the offending flat. All this had no effect so she confronted her neighbour, Wilma Kock, directly. Kock protested her innocence, but Blom did not believe her, calling her a "venomous herring". When the noise continued Mrs Blom finally went berserk and pushed 20lbs of fresh herring through her neighbour's letter-box. Ms Kock called the police, who discovered while interviewing Blom that the music was actually coning from a radio she had inadvertenly left on beneath her own bed. Unrepentant, she declared, "They didn't understand - Kock's a cow."

DAILY MIRROR (2ND JUN 1993)
A South African came 6,000 miles to photograph the church clock in Grantchester, Cambridge, at ten to three, as in the Rupert Brooke poem. It had broken down, and was stuck as 1:05.

EDINBURGH EVE NEWS (12TH JAN 1990) Albin's trek across the world had a similarly disappointing end. He set out for New Zealand from London, England to to track down a cousin he had not seen for 30 years - but cousin Bennett Birch was a recluse who lived in the remote settlement of Takehe in New Zealand's far north. He had died a month or so before Albin's arrival, but due to his reclusive habits no one had noticed.

NEWS OF THE WORLD (21ST AUG 1988)
Meanwhile, Martin Reeves travelled 8,000 miles to India to find parts for his 1957 Morris Cowley. His mission was succesful, but when he got back to Brighton, England, he found the car had been stolen.

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The WC

In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany.

She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

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Printed on the back of a leather jacket worn by a Biker: "If you can read this, my girlfriend fell off".

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What's the difference between and Israeli and an Israelite?

A third fewer calories.

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Emily; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's David, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher ... she's dead."

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Choir Troubles

The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles."

"I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be the one picked.

Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the cute littlest angel made his entrance.

The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked stage right for the entrance.

No little boy.

The director gave the downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes looked stage right.

No little boy.

The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice floating piercingly from stage right, "...and the cat peed on the matches!"

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1994's Most Bizarre Suicide.

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor Opus was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this. Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor from where the shotgun blast came was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife both insisted that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It happened that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing how his father would use the shotgun to threaten his mother, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to arrange his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten- story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide...

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Hey Martha (true!!!)

Friday, December 4, 1998

Miss Piggy launches her own fragrance

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Look out, Kermit. Miss Piggy has launched her own fragrance line, saying it has "a certain je ne sais moi" that makes her irresistible to the singing frog.

Her limited edition perfume, "Moi," may be just a dab on the wrist of the $6 billion U.S. fragrance industry. But for the famed star of The Muppet Show, it's serious business -- and not strictly for material reasons.

"When I'm wearing 'Moi,' Kermit finds me more attractive, more alluring than ever," Miss Piggy said Thursday. "He just can't keep his little flippers off me."

Perfumers behind "Moi," which hit Bloomingdale's shelves last month for the holiday season, say it sells like "a bouquet of seductive flowers warmed with 'come-hither' notes of warm blonde woods."

But won't women be turned off by a perfume associated with a pig?

"One might think that, but I think that Miss Piggy herself is so lovable that she brings with it not the normal feeling about pig scents," said Nancy Lueck, a Bloomingdale's spokeswoman.

Topper Schroeder, who as president of Gendarme Fragrances of West Hollywood helped the Muppet develop her scent, agreed.

"Miss Piggy is the Elizabeth Taylor of that world," he said. "This is not your ordinary pig. It had to be elegant, better than anything else I can find on the market."

Bloomingdale's would not release sales figures for "Moi," but Lueck claimed that even at $24 a bottle, it is proving to be a hot item at the company's 23 stores around the country.

Some analysts were skeptical.

"What do you think of when you think of Miss Piggy smell? It's not good," said Laura Ries, president of Ries & Ries, a marketing strategy group in Atlanta. "She's a Muppet. Who wants to smell like a Muppet?"

Miss Piggy begs to differ.

"Moi am a pig -- but, moi am MORE than a pig," she said while on location for her next film, "Muppets From Space."

"Moi have written best-selling books. Moi have appeared in hit motion pictures and television shows. Moi have appeared on the cover of People, Life and TV Guide. So, don't look down on me, buster -- look UP to me And if you're not careful, look OUT for me!"