Daily Dose - 990510 - good news and bad news, Automotive dictionary, peeing in the pool, Granny's period, New phrases for wives, Prophet Elijah, Hey Martha

The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."
The patient says "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"

___________________

British to American Automotive Terms Dictionary

arse = dealer
bloody arse = service department guy
bleedin' arse = parts guy
bloody bleedin' arse = service technician
bit of a sticky wicket = out of petrol
fine bleedin' mess = clutch slip
bloody fine bleedin' mess = broken timing belt

___________________

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

__________________

Granny went through menopause forty years ago, so she is very surprised to find that she has had a very crimson 'accident' one day.
She makes an appointment with her Gyn, who also is getting on in years, and is surprised to hear from his old patient.
When she arrives for the appointment, the doctor runs some tests.
When the test results get back, the Doctor phones Granny with the news.
"Granny, its nothing to worry about, I don't think. However, it is highly unusual."
"I have my period at ninety-five years of age, and all you can
say is, 'Highly unusual?' "
"Oh you don't have your period." the Gyn explains. "Its rust."

__________________

New Phrases Men Wish Their Wives Would Say

1. Of course I'll swallow it all...I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored...let's shave my pussy.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a GREAT fart! Do another!
6. I have decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you are hung over!
8. I would rather watch football and drink beer w/ you, than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so that you can check out women's asses!
12. I will be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Sat., too.
14. Honey? Our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again...come see!
15. I know it's tighter back there, but will you PLEASE try again?
16. No, no...I'll take the car in for an oil change.
17. Your mother is way better than mine!
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing & buy yourself some new clubs!
19. I understand fully; our anniversary comes every year, for Christ's sake! You go hunting with the guys. It's a great stress reliever!
20. What do you say we get a good porno movie, a 6-pack of Bud, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome?
21. No, not the fucking mall again! Let's try that new tittie bar instead!
22. Listen...I make enough money for us both. Why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to a 7 or 8?
23. Honey, you need your sleep...stop getting up for night feedings!
24. God, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to bust!
25. I signed up for yoga classes so that I can get my ankles behind my head for you.
26. Let's just skip the foreplay and romance, and get right down to fucking!
27. I am on my period, so why don't you let me blow you? Better yet, go ahead and screw the secretary!

__________________

The sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

__________________

Waiter to a couple in an elegant restaurant:

"Our special is Alaskan salmon in a sauce made from herbs grown in the chef's own garden, with an asparagus mousse, Belgian baby potatoes and a flaming raspberry crepes. For an extra $2 we can supersize that".

_________________

Hey Martha (true)

Friday, September 25, 1998

School hires human fire alarms at $1,000 a day

HYANNIS, Mass. (AP) -- The high school's new $45 million wing is so soundproof that youngsters can't hear the fire alarms -- so the school board is hiring firefighters to stand guard at nearly $1,000 a day.

Barnstable High School officials discovered that the hallway alarms cannot be heard in 70 classrooms in the new wing, which uses concrete supports and thick ceiling tiles to make it earthquake proof and virtually soundproof.

Officials considered using a louder alarm or having it routed through each classroom's public address system. But neither plan met codes.

Until the problem can be fixed, fire codes require the school keep three firefighters on duty from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m. each school day. If the fire alarms sound, the firefighters will let everyone know.

The problem was discovered a week before school started Sept 8.

"This was a surprise to us," said Harry Holway, a Barnstable School Committee member and chairman of the building committee.

"We went to the fullest extent of the building code and beyond and, I think, caught the engineers off guard. The building is so well-constructed, you can't hear the alarms."

Nine firefighters work four-hour shifts -- all of it overtime -- at $25 or more per hour. The firefighters will be paid out of the building project's $1 million contingency fund.

The building committee will discuss a permanent solution next week.