Daily Dose - 990509 - Children's books, dog attack, military language, Hare-lip, Th Onion, Hey Martha

CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER SEE

"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

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A married man had a secretary that was a sweet young thang, and so he decided to "work late" one night and take this girl to dinner. He called his wife to tell her and she said, "okay, no problem."

After dinner with the secretary, it was obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had "swinging from the chandelier" sex for two hours. The man went to the bathroom to straighten his clothing for the trip home when he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He immediately fell into a state of panic, and he had NO idea what to tell his wife, but he knew he must be getting home as it was getting quite late.

After knocking on the door, he heard the dog come barking and scratching at the door to greet him. He thought "Aha!!" and entered the house, fell to the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed," Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!" to which she looked up, ripped open her blouse and said, " That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!!"

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One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

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A hare-lipped man walks into a Department Store carrying a help wanted sign. He states:
"I'd like to apply for the job, plead!"
To which the store owner replies:
"Do you have any experience selling Tooth Brushes?"
"Nope!" says the hare-lip.
"Well OK," says the owner, "I'm in a hurry so I'll give you a shot.
I'll be back at closing." And he leaves.
At closing the store owner comes back and asks the hare-lipped fellow "How many tooth brushes did you sell?"
The hare-lip replies.."I thold one tooth bruth"
"Just ONE?" exclaims the owner, "That will never do.
Let's see how well you do tomorrow, I'll be back at closing" The next day at closing time the owner shows up at the store and asks the hare-lip how many tooth brushes he sold that day. The hare-lip replies "I thold one Tooth Bruth."
The owner is very upset at this news and says,
"One tooth brush will never do, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."
To which the hare-lip replies "Oh No, plead don't let me go.
Give me one more chanth, I gno I can do beddur."
So the owner gives him one more day and leaves. The next day the owner returns to his store only to find thousands of empty tooth brush crates laying all over.
He turns to the man and says,
"My Lord! How many Tooth Brushes did you sell today?"
The hare-lip replies,
"I sold three thouthand three hundred and thirty three Tooth Bruthes!"
"My, how on earth did you do that?" replies the store owner.
"Well you thee," replies the hare-lip,
"I went out into the mall and thet up thith table,
and on one thide I put thom chipth,
and on the other thide I put thome dipth.
Then I put a big thine behind the table that read: 'Free Chipth & Dipth'
Then the people they came and first they picked up a chipth then they dipth it in the dipth and then they ate it."
"Is that all?" replied the owner.
"Well no," said the hare-lip, "after they ate it they would reply:
'Hey thith stuff tathed like shit!' and then I would thay, 'It ith,... wanna buy a Tooth Bruth?!?!?!?'"

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Thought for the Day: If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

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Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A: Partially disabled

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Did you know they have a new meal at McDonalds?
It comes with 1 Chicken McNugget, 1 French Fry and a large Diet Coke.
Its called the McBeal Meal. It also comes with a happy toy?: a plastic finger.

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The Onion (satire)

WB Targets Booming U.S. Prison Population With New Sitcom

LOS ANGELES--Responding to the explosive growth of the U.S. prison population, WB executives announced Monday that the network will soon launch a new sitcom targeting the nation's approximately 1.8 million incarcerated TV viewers.

"America is fast becoming the most jailed nation on Earth, with prisons packed to capacity and a swamped, inefficient judicial system that is ill-equipped to keep pace with the ever-growing crime rate. Clearly, something had to be done," said WB vice-president of programming Grant Bachman. "And what better way to address this serious crisis than with the outrageous new comedy In Da Yard!, debuting this week as part of the WB's 'Lock-Down Thursdays'?"

"U.S. prisoners," Bachman added, "represent a powerful demographic that this nation's entertainment industry can no longer afford to ignore."

Described in WB promotional literature as "a hysterical look at the nutty goings-on in a typical American maximum-security federal correctional facility," In Da Yard! will give the nation's nearly two million convicts the chance to "follow the weekly adventures of a zany bunch of hardened killers, drug offenders, B&E men and wacky, psychotic rapos" just like themselves.

"It's basically a show about living and learning in the '90s in prison," Bachman said.

Advance advertising figures for the show are said to be "very promising," with several high-profile accounts already secured and airtime pre-sold for most of the show's initial six-week run.

"U.S. inmates spend more than $5 billion in cigarettes each year, using them to buy everything from toilet paper and de-lousing shampoo to playing cards and dice," said Bryce Kelso of Advertising Age. "They're a prime, untapped consumer market that any smart advertiser would want to reach. The fact is, every day this vast market continues to go untargeted is millions more dollars in lost revenue. That's a harsh economic reality, and we cannot turn a blind eye to it. It must be faced."

Added Kelso: "Do you realize that the average rapist is out on the street and in stores in just five years?"

The first six episodes of In Da Yard!, WB officials said, have been extensively focus-grouped on a wide variety of felons at some 70 maximum-security facilities across the U.S. The show has reportedly scored high among all major prison demographics, from armed robbers to child molesters.

Particularly popular among focus groups was the debut episode, in which main character Detroit Ray, sentenced to life without parole for the murder of his wise-cracking landlord, finds himself desperately trying to fend off impending group anal-rape in the prison shower.

"It's great, over-the-top physical comedy," WB president Dan Vittolo said. "And it really seemed to hit test audiences where they live."

Future plotlines include a side-splitting mix-up when Ray's buddy Jorge pretends to be his "bitch" to impress a visiting cellmate; Ray slashing the wrong guard "just because he's too proud to admit he can't see without glasses"; and a full-blown prison riot "gone totally haywire."

"I thought there was going to be a riot right there in the screening room after that one," Vittolo joked.

"We feel confident that we can provide the swollen, overcrowded ranks of the U.S. prison system with characters and situations they can truly relate to," said Miles Forrest, recent Harvard graduate and In Da Yard! head writer. "The difficulty of sneaking a spoon out of the cafeteria to sharpen on a concrete floor; the silly shenanigans that ensue when someone smuggles in heroin inside their rectum; the overworked, underpaid guards and their nutty, sadistic foibles; and the goofy rivalries between warring, tattooed prison gangs--whatever's funny."

What's more, In Da Yard! executive producer Ira Clausner said, the audience for such prison-themed fare will only grow in the coming years.

"The U.S. prison population has doubled in the past 12 years and will probably do so again over the next 12," he said. "With that kind of grim reality working in our favor, we can't lose. Numbers don't lie, and these alarming figures, the result of years of social neglect and public apathy, paint a very bright picture for the future of the WB."

Vittolo agreed. "The number of U.S. inmates now stands at an all-time high," he said. "We'd be fools to just stand around and watch things get worse without lifting a finger to capitalize on the situation."

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, March 29, 1999

Widower attends funeral for another woman

DELRAY BEACH, Fla. (AP) -- Edner Doirin finally got to say goodbye to his late wife.

Because of a mix-up at the Palm Beach Medical Examiner Office, the bereaved widower attended a funeral for another woman on March 13.

Doirin, of Rocky Mount, N.C., said Saturday that he knew when he saw the body in the open casket two Saturdays ago that it was not his wife's.

This Saturday, the slight woman buried in the white chiffon dress, silk gloves and thick, gold earrings finally was Michaelle Dieujuste, Doirin's wife of two years.

Ms. Dieujuste, 25, of Port-au-Prince in Haiti, drowned March 6, along with other Haitian refugees, 26 miles off the coast of West Palm Beach in a botched smuggling attempt.

The funeral mix-up was blamed on a labeling error at the Palm Beach County Medical Examiner's office. Two employees were suspended because of the error.