Daily Dose - 990508 - Funny Historical Accounts, No Jews, Speeding Car, Mexican/American war, Disney Lawyerland, cross-examination, The Onion, Hey Martha
Funny Historical Accounts (Part 2 of 6)
VICTORIA TIMES (19TH SEPT 1990)
Another wartime incident caused Danny Simpson of Ottawa, Canada, much grief. In 1990 he was given six years imprisonment for robbing a bank of $6000 using an elderly Colt .45 pistol. He was arrested and the gun was impounded by the police, where it was recognized as an extrenely rare collectors' item, worth between $12,000 and $100,000. It was made under license by the Ross Rifle Company in Quebec City during WW1, one of only 100 Colt .45's ever made there. Simpson could have walked into any gun shop and sold the pistol for at least twice the haul from his raid without breaking the law.
DAILY MIRROR (28TH SEPT 1995)
Another armed robber, jailed for eight years in Argentina, decided to hire a private detective to trace the father he never met. The detective discovered the man's father was the warder of the prison in which he was incarcerated
WESTERN MORNING NEWS (28TH SPR 1994)
Ian Lewis, 43, of Standish, Lancashire, England, was also interested in finding out about his family. He spent 30 years tracing his family tree back to the seventeenth century. He travelled all over Britain, talked to 2,000 relatives and planned to write a book about how his great-grandfather left to seek his fortune in Russia and how his grandfather was expelled after the Revolution. Then he found out he had been adopted when he was a month old and his real name was David Thornton. He resolved to start his family research all over again.
INDEPENDENT (26TH JULY 1995)
Markku Tahvainen drove his family 250 miles to a zoo in Finland in order to see the bears. Whe they returned home, though, they discovered footprints and droppings in their garden which revealed that in their absence they had been visited by bear which had eaten their ducks.
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No Jews
There was an elderly southern widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.
"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."
The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."
Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four of the blackest boys that anyone had ever seen, especially in the South.
"But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.
One of them replied, "No ma'am, lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."
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Speeding Car
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF
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The Mexican/American War
During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances.
Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?"
The general shot him dead.
This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!"
An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?"
The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....
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Disney To Open New "Lawyer Island"
Orlando - The Disney Company has unveiled plans to open a new resort for those in the law profession. The CEO of Disney said, "Considering that there are 3 lawyers for every person on the planet, we see this as an untapped market."
The resort, based on Johnston Island, is the former nuclear test site during the 1940's through the 1960's. The island, bought by Disney in 1990, was originally planned to be a stop on their new cruse line. But their hopes went up in a mushroom cloud when they discovered that the radiation on the island was so bad that only lower life forms could survive, opening up the idea of the resort for lawyers.
The resort, to open in July 1999, will offer much in the line of recreation. There are daily ambulance chases with cash prizes. Plus there are lectures on everything from "How to squeeze more out of OJ" to "How to get the most for your soul."
After Disney went public with their plans, many people started to think about whether to resume nuclear testing on the island. But others say that the testing would only make lawyers stronger, "Lawyers already can withstand the subarctic temperatures of their hearts. The last thing we need is for them to also be able to withstand 2 million degree temperatures," said one person. While others think that the intense heat and lethal radiation will help lawyers get used to the environment, which they will experience during there eternal damnation.
Bill Clinton, bucking to public pressure, has said that he will start nuclear testing as soon as the resort is done. "I was skeptical at first, but then I remembered that Hillary was a lawyer so I quickly was in favor."
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A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial-it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer-do you have a locker room in the police station-a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
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The Onion (satire)
Kodak, Nabisco Apologize For Drunken One-Night Merger
ROCHESTER, NY--Kodak CEO George Fisher apologized to shareholders Monday for a drunken one-night merger with Nabisco.
"We kind of lost track of how much we'd had, one thing led to another, and, before you know it, we're signing contracts," a contrite Fisher said of the $490 billion deal.
"I am deeply sorry for the mistake and hope that the 36,000 Kodak employees who were laid off in the merger will find it in their hearts to come back."
Nabisco CEO James Kilts said his company is "still very much in love" with current partner R.J. Reynolds and expressed hope that "we can work through this and remain RJR-Nabisco for many years to come."
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, March 15, 1999
Artist: Dog statue will comply with city leash laws
NEW YORK (AP) -- It's only a bronze statue -- a dog that can't run wild, chase cars or bite anyone -- but that doesn't make it exempt from the city's leash laws.
In the wake of the city's crackdown on leash law violators, the creator of a life-sized park statue called "Man & His Dog" reaffirmed Tuesday that his work will include a leash.
"I've always intended to have a leash. Because a man wouldn't sit on a park bench with a dog without having a leash on it," artist Jack Dowd said. "The dog wouldn't stay there. He'd probably be off chasing birds."
The statue will be unveiled in Tompkins Square Park next month.
Parks Department officials last month began cracking down on those who let their dogs run free. They have proposed fining repeat violators as much as $1,000.
Officials became nervous when they saw photographs of Dowd's 400-pound statue depicting a man sitting on a bench beside a leashless dog.
But Dowd said he had left the bronze leash off the statue because he feared vandals would damage it while the work was on display in front of galleries in Florida and Hawaii. Dowd said he has made adjustments to prevent the leash from being bent or removed.