Daily Dose - 990505 - disturbing medical stories, Barbecue, Modem Times, hand signals, Gas, The Onion, Hey Martha
Some more from Joe in Calgary....
Disturbing Medical Stories
INNER SKELETON
--------------
A 63yr old widow was admitted to the hospital Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
-----------
A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital.
During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
PRICKLY PAIR
------------
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex.
After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?
-----------------
A 20yr old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain.
Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed...along with a ping pong ball.
BLIND DRUNK
-----------
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
(OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!)
-----------------------
A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.
While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in he head until she let go.
__________________________
Barbecue
One sunny day, an older couple were out tending to their yard. Martha was bent over pulling weeds out of her flower bed while Bill was fixing the fence. Bill happened to look up at Martha bent over in her flowers and notices that she has gained a little weight.
"Hey Martha! You're ass sure is getting big these days. Why, it looks like its almost as big across as my new barbecue. In fact, I bet it is as big as the barbecue."
Bill keeps on bugging Martha about the size of her ass until he decides to measure it. He goes and gets a measuring tape and measure Martha's ass and then measures the barbecue. Lo and behold they turn out to be the same size. Bill laughs all afternoon about this much to Martha's chagrin.
A few days go by and the two of them are in bed. Bill is snuggling up to Martha and asks "do you think we might be able to get it on tonight, honey?"
To which Martha replies "There's no way I'm going to fire up this big ass barbecue for just one little weenie."
___________________________
Modem Times - Maxims for the Internet Age
1. 'Ome is where you 'ang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth. (Bill Gates?)
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. The http://www.joker.org is on you.
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
_______________________________
There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up and take a shower....so the guy is looking for the rake and yells to his wife, who looks out to the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [I], points to his knee [need] and then makes raking motions. ("I need rake").
"What?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast, slaps her ass and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat confused, but totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
_______________________________
Gas
Why do men fart more than women?
That's because women don't shut their mouths long enough to build up pressure.
_______________________________
The Onion (satire)
Disney World Mascot Could Use A Fucking Vacation Himself
ORLANDO, FL--Walt Disney World employee Ronald Smoller, costumed for the 10th straight hour and the 23rd straight day as Goofy, could use a fucking vacation himself, the 33-year-old reported Monday.
"Every day, I sweat my ass off in this goddamn oxygen-deprivation Goofy suit while kids kick me, trip me, punch me and give me the finger," said Smoller, who twice has requested a transfer to a Frontierland souvenir shop but has been denied.
"I'm sick of it." Smoller's next paid vacation is slated for late November, when he said he plans to go on a two-week bender somewhere the hell away from here.
________________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Friday, April 9, 1999
New Titanic to dock in Las Vegas
LAS VEGAS (AP) -- The Titanic rising from the Nevada desert?
Bob Stupak, the man behind the city's 1,149-foot Stratosphere Hotel, Casino and Tower, says you can bet on it -- maybe.
Stupak said Thursday that he plans to build a replica of the famous ship on 10 acres he owns between the Las Vegas Strip and downtown's Glitter Gulch. He has to raise $1.2 billion.
The hotel would have 1,200 rooms or "cabins" that would resemble those on the original Titanic, Stupak said. The Las Vegas Titanic would be 400 feet high, compared with the 180-foot height of the ship that sank in the Atlantic Ocean on its maiden voyage in 1912.
Also included would be a towering "iceberg" that would house an 1,800-seat showroom.
(real class !)