Daily Dose - 990504 - Safety's sake, commercials, slits and slats, circle flies,
FOR SAFETY'S SAKE ...
Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.
Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in home.
Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.
Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.
Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders. Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church. Bible study is safe, too. The percentage there is even less. Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!
_________________________
The Five Commercials Aired During The Lewinsky / Walters Interview" (and yes, these really did air during the interview)
5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To."
3. Oral-B Deluxe.
2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful leader in the world."
1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually has the power to remove stains!"
_________________________
John and Mary were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon when they spotted a dock projecting into the harbor. They decided to walk to the end of the dock and sit down to rest .
Mary, in her infinite boredom, suggested to John, "While we walk to the end of the dock, why don't you count the number of slats used to build it, and I'll count the number of slits between the slats?"
John replied, "O.K., I will count the slats, and you will count the slits."
So the couple merrily trooped down the dock. John counted, "One slat!"
Mary counted, "One slit!"
"Two slats!"
"Two slits!"
And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually John and Mary approached the end of the dock.
"327 slats!"
"327 slits!"
"328 slats!"
They had reached the end of the dock. Mary was puzzled.
"John, there are no more slits. What does it mean?"
John turned to Mary and said, . . . "When you're out of slits, you're out of pier."
(for those who don't recognize the pun - it comes from a US beer ad - "When you're out of Shlitz, you're out of beer")
____________________________
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep." the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's ass." answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."
____________________________
Ah, yes, "Divorce", from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
_________________________
Q. How can you tell when a woman is really hot for you?
A. When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.
_________________________
Q: How do you ruin St. Patricks day for an Irishman?
A: Make him the designated driver
_________________________
The Onion (satire)
Enchanted Spatula Can Only Be Used To Flip Food By One Who Is Pure In Thought And Deed
SOUTHFIELD, MI--Management at Grandma's Family Restaurant in Southfield is still awaiting the arrival of The Foretold One, the short-order cook who is capable of wielding the magnificent Spatula Of Zär, it was reported Monday.
"Such a cook must be powerful indeed to wield the Spatula," assistant manager Doug Biehlke said. "Our runes of prophesy dictate that the One is nigh... and will use the Spatula to deliver unto us delicious omelets, hash browns, pancakes and cheeseburgers, at last."
According to legend, the Spatula was forged in a secret ceremony by the elder chefs of Grandma's in 1988. Ever since, it has hung, impossible to move, on an aluminum hook in the restaurant's kitchen, where management believes it will remain until its True Master is found.
"Many have tried in arrogance to lift the Spatula from its hook, to possess its unspeakable power and beauty, to be glorified and elevated to the status of lead short-order cook," Biehlke said. "They sought not to toast buns, but rather to seize greatness for themselves--and a hard lesson did they learn."
To date, some 400 individuals have been maimed in attempts to hoist the mythical food-flipping utensil.
"When one whose heart is less than pure seeks union with the all-good and all-seeing Spatula Of Zär, it lashes out and marks them forever," said dishwasher Roy Nussmayer, who has witnessed dozens of Spatula-induced soul-searings in his three years as second-shift grill cook at the suburban Detroit eatery. "It is a cruel penalty for what is often no greater a crime than being made merely human. But lo, such harshness is necessary, lest the Spatula fall into the hands of evil short-order cooks who grill their chicken patties with great malice and would seek the Spatula for their own nefarious doings."
Despite the fact that 11 years have passed with no sign of the Foretold One, Biehlke remains confident that the chosen short-order cook will soon arrive.
"The runes of prophecy are clear," Biehlke said. "They indicate that in the darkest of times, when all seems lost to the non-believers and the $4.99 patty-melt special has done poorly, the Foretold One will seize the handle of the Spatula and, holding it aloft, lead us into a Golden Age, a glorious time when competing restaurant chains such as Denny's and Perkins will fall like swatted flies, and countless hungry travelers and friendly locals will pass under the neon sign of Grandma's and fill their bellies happily. The One will rise to become the greatest leader in the history of the food-service industry... Cook of Cooks, Manager of Managers, Lord of Hosts and Hostesses."
"He shall be mightier indeed than Andrew Of The Golden Locks," Biehlke said, "who carried the Egg Whisk Of Nandumauër to victory through 18 consecutive breakfast specials."
________________________
Hey Martha (true)
Thursday, March 4, 1999
Bandit hits bank where robbery being reconstructed
COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) -- Life imitated art, or maybe vice versa, when a man held up a bank where a TV actor was preparing to portray a thief robbing the same bank.
According to the newspaper Jyllands Posten, the actor showed up at the bank Tuesday about 10 minutes before the rest of the crew to reconstruct a robbery that had taken place there a week earlier for a television crime show.
The actor, using the stage name Dennis B., told the newspaper at first he thought the robbery was a prank, but when he understood it was the real thing he paid close attention for some tips.
Criminal Inspector Uwe Petersen, who was supposed to supervise the reconstruction, arrived a few minutes after the real bank robber had left with $20,000.
The newspaper quoted him as saying that the robber sounded like the same man who had held up the bank for $19,000 on Feb. 25.