Daily Dose - 990503 - Irish suicide, massive Texan, nut shop, test, The Onion, Hey Martha
There is an Irish man getting ready to jump to his death from a bridge whena Priest walks past. The man turns to the Priest and says, "Don't try tostop me father, I'm going to jump."
"Don't jump." says the Priest, "It can't be that bad. Think of the life you have yet to live."
"That's one of the reasons I'm jumping" Says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you, think about your family." says the Priest.
"That's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well think about your job." says the Priest.
"There's another reason." says the Irish man.
"Well if that won't stop you think about St. Patrick." says the Priest.
"Who's that?" asks the Irish man.
"Jump you Protestant bastard." says the Priest
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A young woman was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. "Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed."
"Well, thank you, ma'am. It's 33 inches."
"Wow, around?"
"No, ma'am. Through."
"Well, then, sir. What about your waist?"
"It's 28 inches."
"Around?"
"No, ma'am. Through."
"Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your dick."
"You see, ma'am. It's 3 inches!"
"Wow," said the woman. "Through?!"
"Oh, no, Ma'am. From the floor!!!
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A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he's ever seen in his life.
The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise, and asks... "ess-tues me ser?"
"Yes sir" replied the clerk.
"Tould you tale me how mutsh youre pisstasheos arr?"
"Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."
"SSit!" The tonuge-tied guy goes back to browsing, and then asks "welp, how mutsh arr youre aahhmons?"
"Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."
"SSIT!" Replied the tongue-tied man. "Welp, how bout youre pikanns?"
"Pecans? They're on sale today...they're only four fifty a pound."
"Welp...SSit.. just div me a poulnd of dose dhen." "Alrighty then" says the clerk, and begins bagging up a pound of pecans.
Then, the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk "Sirr, I just wana tay tank you fo not maken phun of de way I talk, cauz I tan't hep it."
The clerk replies with a smile "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that...I don't make fun of anybody, for any thing! I don't know if you noticed, or not, but I have a rather large nose."
The tongue-tied guy replies "Oh, is dat your noze? I tought dat wuz your penis, your nutz arr so damn high!"
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Headline!
Suicidal blonde twin kills sister by mistake!
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How do you tell a female lawyer from a scum-sucking bottom fish?
Lipstick.
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You have to make sure that you follow the steps accordingly. If you do this right and don't cheat, you'll be amazed by what you learn!!..
STEP ONE
Pick a number between 1 and 100.
Multiply it by 5.
Add your age.
Minus the number in your family.
Divide the number by 10 (rounding to the nearest whole number).
Write down the number on 1 side of a piece of paper.
STEP TWO
Pick another different number between 1 and 100.
Multiply by 1998.
Add the number in your family.
Minus your age.
Divide the number by 10 (rounding to the nearest whole number).
Write down the number on the other side of the piece of paper.
STEP THREE
Take the first 2 digits of your home phone number
Add them to the last 2 digits of your work number.
Multiply by 365.
Write the number on a new sheet of paper.
STEP FOUR
Fold the first page in half.
Now fold the second page.
Place them side by side.
Now pick up the two sheets (sheet 1 in your left hand, sheet 2 in your right hand).
SCROLL DOWN!!!
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Find a garbage can and place the sheets in it. Now using both your hands, slap yourself around the head while repeating: "I'm a fucking idiot who wastes too much time on shit like this!!!!!"
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The Onion (satire)
Efforts Of World's 16 Billion Chickens Still Not Adding Up To Much
OMAHA, NE--According to a U.S. Poultry Council report released Monday, the collective efforts of the world's 16 billion chickens have yet to yield any appreciable results.
"For thousands of years, chickens worldwide have put a tremendous amount of energy into their various activities, which include flapping, squawking and pecking with a great deal of vigor," the Poultry Council report read.
"But it remains unclear what has been accomplished as a result of their unfocused efforts."
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Hey Martha (true)
Monday, March 1, 1999
Thieves make off with 18,000 bottles of beer
CALGARY (CP) -- RCMP are investigating a major beer heist after thieves hot-wired and stole a 18-wheeler loaded with brew.
The culprits, who stole the truck Saturday in Claresholm 125 km south of Calgary, made off with 18,000 bottles of beer.
Police found the truck abandoned on the side of the road the next day about 50 kilometres away from where it was taken.
"Half the load was still in the truck so obviously they couldn't quite fit the whole load on their truck," said Const. Terry Wickett of Claresholm RCMP.
"They're missing over 1,500 cases of beer -- all different kinds Canadian, Pilsner, Coors, Wildcat -- whatever the heck kind of beer you can mention, it was on there."
The truck, which was to arrive at a Lethbridge liquor warehouse Monday, was spotted on the side of the road.
"The vehicle was still running and the company didn't know whether they had a missing driver or just what happened," said Wickett.
"When Arnold Brothers (the trucking company) contacted their driver, he said 'I hope it's still where I parked it."'
Wickett is unsure whether the thieves knew what cargo they had when they stole the truck.
"There's nothing to suggest they knew what they were getting," he said.
"There were no names or anything on the trailer and it was parked in a lot where other units were parked."
Wickett has seen a lot of stolen vehicles and a few unusual capers, but he said this one takes the cake.
"I've never heard of a beer heist like this one," he said. "I know lots of equipment being stolen and other merchandise but not beer."
(Calgary Sun)
(Editor's note: "I have an alibi")