Daily Dose - Annapolis cadet, hail storm, dead donkey, groom was 95, end of the world, St Patrick, The Onion, Hey Martha

An Annapolis cadet recently wrote on a literature exam, "Sancho Panza always rode on a burrow."
To this his instructor responded, "A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. As a future officer, you are expected to know the difference."

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A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem. The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents. The other blonde responded, "that's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."

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A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He had no idea how it got there, but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he called the sanitation department, the health department, and several other agencies, but no one seemed able to help him.

In desperation, the good reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must have been having a bad day. "Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman. It's your job to bury the dead." The pastor lost his cool. "Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at least notify the next-of-kin."

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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,"Ohhh my God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

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How the Media Would Handle the End of the World

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.
Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.
Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.
Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.
Sports Illustrated: Game Over.
Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.
Ladies Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!
Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share.
Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.
America OnLine: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn't care!"

"You just don't know how to set him off, watch and learn." The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "I hear your St.Patrick was a transvestite faggot!"

"Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies.

"You're right,he is unshakable!"

The third Englishman said "No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch."

The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said... "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

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The Onion (satire)

Glandular Problem Forces Man To Eat Fifth Helping

FREDERICKSBURG, MD--Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder, 450-pound Fredericksburg resident Gordon Hotchkiss, 41, helped himself to a fifth serving of mashed potatoes Monday.

"Why, oh, why, was I chosen by God to suffer from this horrible blaaarghmum?" bemoaned the stricken Hotchkiss, helplessly shoveling fistfuls of buttery mashed potatoes into his mouth. "What have I done to deserve this awful glomphummm?"

Hotchkiss' condition, known within medical circles as "bigfatfuckitis," also prevents him from using the stairs instead of the elevator to get to his second-floor apartment.

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, March 8, 1999

Man wants to marry his car, clerks say no

KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Many men have had love affairs with their cars. Buster Mitchell wanted to make it official.

Jilted by his girlfriend, a bereft Mitchell decided he wanted to marry his true love -- his 1996 Mustang GT.

"I've been broken hearted and hung out to dry, so I am going to the courthouse and try to marry my car," Mitchell said before attempting to get a marriage license Thursday.

Mitchell, 28, didn't get very far in the application before the clerk dashed his dreams. Only men and women can marry under Tennessee law, officials explained.

It was sometime after he listed his fiance's birthplace as "Detroit," her father as "Henry Ford" and her blood type as "10-W-40" that his plans sputtered.

"Well, in California they are doing same-sex marriages," he said. "So we are here in Tennessee. Why can't we do the good ol' boy thing and marry our cars and trucks?"

Mitchell said he isn't giving up. He plans to try at a couple of wedding chapels in the Great Smoky Mountains.