Daily Dose - 990501 - blonde boater, Gave it up for Lent, Before it gets started, Irish wedding, tire sale, The Onion, Hey Martha
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, a blonde, new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy, but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimed, close to tears. "To whom and for how long?!"
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A man comes to a bar and yells: "QUICK!!!! Give me a glass of beer!!! Before IT gets started!!!"
The bartender goes: "What started?! What are you talking about?!"
"No questions. Just give me the beer, faster!!!" He drinks the beer and screams again: "One more, hurry up!!! Before it gets started!!!"
"What started?!"
"Never mind!!! Give me my beer!!!" He drinks the second glass and continues: "Third glass!!! Faster!!! before it gets started!!! Do it!!!"
Finally, the bartender asks:"Hey, pal. Are you gonna pay?!"
And the man goes: "Dang it,! It's started..."
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A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK."
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded... "Wow.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"
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A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, "Here is a great sale on tires!"
His wife replied, "What do you want tires for? You don't have a car."
He came back with, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, Do I...!???"
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The Onion (satire)
Inspirational Nike Ad Gives Woman Courage To Reach Full Spending Potential
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO--A stirring, inspirational Nike ad gave Colorado Springs resident Janet Blauvelt, 31, the courage to reach her full spending potential Tuesday.
The ad, which aired during the ESPN2 broadcast of a women's tennis match, depicted a wheelchair-bound woman pushing herself up a steep mountain to the dramatic strains of The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony." Upon reaching the top, the woman raises her glistening, muscular arms above her head in slow motion, exhausted but triumphant.
"That ad really got to me," Blauvelt said. "It made me realize that I hadn't even begun to tap into my savings; that I could be digging so much deeper into my wallet."
The moment the 30-second spot ended, Blauvelt put on a jogging suit and a pair of sneakers and drove as fast as she could to her local mall.
"I was totally pumped, 100 percent focused on the goal of buying Nike athletic gear," Blauvelt said. "First, I went to the Athlete's Foot and bought a pair of $110 Air Zoom Sterlings and a $22 T-shirt. Then, I went to Foot Locker and got a $95 Dri-FIT zip-up jacket. After that, I bought a $140 Nike chamois fleece pullover and a $23 Nike baseball cap at Champs. By that point, I was starting to fatigue a little, but I knew I had to keep on pushing. So I looked inward and somehow found the cash reserves to keep shopping. And that's just what I did for the next five hours. When I finally got home, I collapsed on my bed, exhilarated from the feeling that my bank account was exhausted. It was really wiped out."
"The scary thing is, if I hadn't seen that TV commercial, I never would have known just how much spending there was inside me,"Blauvelt said. "Nike truly inspired me to push my credit to the absolute limit."
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Hey Martha (true)
Stowaway scorpion strikes fear into flyers
EDMONTON (CP) -- A creepy stowaway with a nasty sting was found on board a Canadian Airlines flight to Edmonton on Wednesday, leaving some very nervous travellers.
A brown, five-centimetre-long scorpion scampered out from a passenger's bag while he was changing his pants in a washroom aboard Flight 957 from Toronto an hour before it landed.
"I was creeped out," said Donna-Lee Langton, who was sitting at the back of the Boeing 737 near the washroom, where the scorpion was spotted.
"While all the commotion was going on (passengers) just sat with our feet up on chairs and didn't use the bathroom."
Langton said the in-flight movie had just ended and she had headphones on when she saw passengers drawing their feet up from the floor and some tucking their pants into their socks.
"You try to search your memory for any knowledge of scorpions," she said. "You don't know whether they're climbers or creep up pant legs. (Nobody) wants to full-out panic."
The crew didn't alert passengers to the creepy crawler's presence, but the unidentified man, who had been hiking in Guatemala and had inadvertently carried the critter on board, could be heard apologizing to flight attendants.
Only scorpions from northern Africa and the southern United States are potentially deadly to adults, but the poison from others could kill children, scholars from the University of California Museum of Paleontology at Berkeley say on their Web site.
Scorpions are rarely found in Canada.
The flight crew cornered the scorpion and kept watch on it to ensure it stayed where they found it, nestled in the lip of the rear door, said Canadian Airlines spokeswoman Renee Smith-Valade.
"They kept it isolated," she said. "The crew tried to manage the level of concern (and) kept information to those who needed to know."
She said the scorpion didn't enter the passenger cabin. Once the plane landed at Edmonton International Airport, the backpacker's luggage was checked and was clean.
James Baxter of Birch Fumigators went aboard to lay glue traps and spray insecticide. That killed the scorpion, which was still in the rear of the aircraft.
"It was very easily done," he said. "Scorpions are a nighttime crawler. He was off hiding."
Baxter said he turned the dead scorpion over to Canadian Airlines and didn't know what type it was.
(Edmonton Sun)
(passe to anyone who's worked in Wafra !)