Daily Dose - 990419 - zoo field trip, ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS, Tarzan job interview, defamation suit, Tourist in Ireland, The Onion, Hey Martha

This kindergarten teacher was taking her class to the zoo for a field trip. They came to the cage for the zebra:
TEACHER: Who can tell me what animal this is?
JOHNNY: Well, it looks like a horse, has black and white stripes. Must be a zebra.
TEACHER: Very good, Johnny.
They come to the elephant.
TEACHER: Class, who can tell me what animal this is?
JANE: It has big feet, is very big and has a trunk. Is it an elephant?
TEACHER: Very good, Jane.
They come to the baboon cage.
TEACHER: who can tell me what animal this is?
No response.
Finally Billy raised his hand reluctantly.
TEACHER: OK. Billy, would you like to try?
BILLY: Well, it has a big belly and has a lot of hair all over, and has a stupid look on his face... must be a truck driver.

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ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/OFFER
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, 1 5-FINGER, 1 3-FINGER, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1988 MUSTANG,
5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKER SPANIEL - ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE - 89 CENTS
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 LBS. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW.
SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG...LOOKS LIKE A RAT...BEEN OUT AWHILE...BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL - HOLDS 2 ½ BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 CENTS LB.
NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE. PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VINCINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB - AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 CENTS LB.
GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY - SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 BOX
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 LB.

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A guy walks out of a house of ill repute and sits down on a park bench, deep in thought.
"Man!" he says to himself. "What a business! They've got it. They sell it. And they've still got it!"

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Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy

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A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

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A tourist in Ireland decides to skip out on the tour group, despite warnings about terrorists. He slips out the rear entrance of his hotel and is walking down the alley towards the bright lights of a nearby pub when hands reach out of the darkness, a knife is put to his throat and a man's voice whispers an urgent question in his ear.

"Catholic or Protestant?"

The New Yorker thinks quickly. "I'm Jewish," he exclaims.

He feels the knife pressed even closer to his throat. "Allah be praised," whispers the terrorist. "I've got to be the luckiest Arab in all of Ireland!"

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The Onion (satire)

Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

ABILENE, TX--Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway overpass that periodically emits a stream of urine.

"I was just driving under the overpass, when, all of a sudden, a golden stream of liquid fell upon my windshield from above," said motorist Gail Silva. "I knew then and there that my life had deeper meaning."

The stretch of highway has since been closed for several miles in both directions to accommodate the thousands of spiritual seekers who have journeyed to the overpass in hopes of being anointed with what many believe to be the micturition of Christ.

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, March 22, 1999

Judge calls lawsuit against God frivolous

SYRACUSE, N.Y. (AP) -- In the matter of Drusky versus God -- God has won.

A Pennsylvania man's lawsuit naming God as a defendant has been thrown out by a court in Syracuse.

Donald Drusky, 63, of East McKeesport, Pa., blamed God for failing to bring him justice in a 30-year battle against his former employer, the steelmaker now called USX Corp.

The company fired him in 1968, when it was called U.S. Steel.

"Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no corrective action against the leaders of his church and his nation for their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S. Drusky," the lawsuit said.

Drusky wanted God to return his youth and grant him the guitar-playing skills of famous guitarists, along with resurrecting his mother and his pet pigeon.

If God failed to appear in court, federal rules of civil procedure say he must lose by default, Drusky argued.

But U.S. district Judge Norman Mordue threw out the case earlier this month.

Mordue ruled that the suit -- which also named former U.S. presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the major U.S. television networks, all 50 states, every single American, all federal judges, and the 100th through 105th congresses as defendants -- was frivolous.