Daily Dose - 990427 - Classic Quotes, student of proctology, Taxpayer's Lament, Baby Camel, The Onion, Hey Martha

Classic Quotes

1.) "Please provide the date of your death."
· from an IRS letter

2.) "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
· Dan Quayle

3.) "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
· Jason Kidd

4.) "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
· Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

5.) "Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
· Batman Costume warning label

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A student of proctology was in the morgue one day after classes getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise, he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this was unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began emanating;

"Cause I've got friends in low places
Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away
And I'll be okay. .."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped.

Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. " Look at this. This is really something!" the student examiner said as he pulled the cork back out again...

"I'm not big on social graces
Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh I've got friends in low places "

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

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Dumb American criminals

Europeans find it quite amusing how a gang in America stole an automobile after a robbery, only to be caught by the Police because they had never seen manual gears before.

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Taxpayer's Lament

Tax his cow, Tax his goat;
Tax his pants, Tax his coat;
Tax his crop, Tax his work;
Tax his ties, Tax his shirt;
Tax his chew, Tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, Tax his mule;
Tell him, Taxing is the rule.
Tax his oil, Tax his gas
Tax his notes, Tax his cash;
Tax him good and let him know,
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, Tax him more;
Tax him till he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,
Tax his sod in which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

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The Baby Camel and his Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"

The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert".

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom"

"Yes son?"

"Why the hell are we in the San Diego zoo?"

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The Onion (satire)

Sinn Fein Leaders Demand Year-Round Shamrock Shake Availability

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND--The Irish Republican Army announced Monday that it will embark on its most aggressive campaign of violence ever if McDonald's Shamrock Shakes are not made available year-round.

"The Shamrock Shake is a frosty, minty symbol of all that we hold dear," said Gerry Adams, leader of Sinn Fein, the IRA's political wing. "It is shameful that we as a people cannot enjoy this proud, symbolic beverage any more than one week a year."

"Unless the British government loosens its iron grip on this most Irish of shakes," Adams continued, "the streets will once again run red with English blood."

British Prime Minister Tony Blair refused to give in to the IRA demands. "The extremist threats of these people are unconscionable," Blair said in an impassioned speech before Parliament. "The Shamrock Shake is only available for a limited time."

"Having to endure this minty, appalling beverage once a year is bad enough," House of Lords member Edward Shropshire-Fentwick said. "It will be a black day in England indeed when the Irish masses are free to have their barbaric shake whenever and wherever they want it."

In addition to year-round Shamrock Shake availability, the IRA called for the immediate release of the infamous "Shake Seven." Imprisoned since 1983 for the bombing of a McDonald's Anglican Apple shake-mix factory in Manchester, the Shake Seven maintain their innocence to this day.

"If fighting on behalf of what one believes in is a crime, then let us all hang," said Liam O'Fachna, the group's leader, from his cell in Birmingham Jail. "Shamrock Shakes forever."

The IRA also demanded that the delicious, Irish-Catholic-themed shakes be made available at all restaurants, not just participating McDonald's. "No single restaurant chain should have control over our delicious, frosty heritage," Adams said.

Though a connection has not been confirmed, Monday's IRA announcement coincided with an explosion at a British bank in Long Strand, an East Belfast enclave of Protestant orange-shake drinkers. In addition, a truck carrying Alpine Raspberry shake mix, McDonald's next scheduled specialty flavor, was overturned in the Ardoyne neighborhood of Belfast.

In a videotaped statement from an IRA safehouse somewhere near Belfast, Uncle O'Grimacey, the most radical member of the Grimace family, demanded the immediate loosening of Shamrock Shake restrictions throughout Northern Ireland. "Release the shakes to us at once," O'Grimacey said, "or the lives of your children will be forfeit."

McDonald's shake representative Grimace took pains to distance himself from his radical IRA uncle.

"All shakes in their time is my watchword, and certain flavors all year," Grimace said. "O'Grimacey is a radical Grimace acting without the approval of the McDonald's Corporation."

The Shamrock Shake was banned in Northern Ireland until 1920, when Parliament voted to allow its consumption once a year, during the week of St. Patrick's Day. Between 1968 and 1994, more than 3,000 were killed in shake-related incidents of violence, including some 350 deaths during the "Minty March" Riots of 1974.

According to Irish legend, the Shamrock Shake first appeared when a statue of the Virgin Mary in front of St. Matthew's Cathedral in Belfast cried a 16-ounce quantity of the green beverage in 1605.

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, March 31, 1999

Don't laugh. Russian sub for sale, accountant says

By IAN BAILEY -- The Canadian Press

VANCOUVER (CP) -- For Sale: One Russian submarine.

Serious bidders only.

Don't laugh. This isn't an early April Fool's joke.

It's one of accountant Jonathan McNair's responsibilities. He has been fielding calls from across North America as he tries to sell the boat.

Receivers are trying to sell the Cold War-era Foxtrot U-521 sub, moored since 1996 on the shores of the Fraser River about 20 kilometres east of central Vancouver in suburban New Westminster.

For three years, the boat has had a non-military mission: tourist attraction. Now the 91-metre long boat is being sold by the firm of Wolrige Mahon Ltd. to recover debts on the operation that led scores of visitors through the 1971-built boat.

"We're not listing a price," said McNair.

"There's no easy way to get a fair-market value for this thing. There's no black book the Russian government puts out or anything like that," he said.

"Basically, it's worth whatever it is to whoever is buying it."

That price depends on what a buyer can earn from the boat.

"If one person thinks they can make Y dollars in revenue and another person thinks they can only make X dollars in revenue, they're going to come out with different prices they will offer," said McNair.

The Foxtrot ended up thousands of kilometres from home due to the collapse of Communism.

A group of Vancouver investors was able to buy the diesel-powered sub from the Soviet government. They used a tug to haul the sub to British Columbia.

Then they moored the boat beside a mall, cleaned up the inside and led hundreds of people through the interior for a peek at one of the workhorse subs of the Soviet fleet.

The Foxtrot was built in 1971 and decommissioned in 1993.

But now the company that ran the operation has run aground, said McNair, and faces financial woes due to problems with a similar operation in Florida.

They went bankrupt in February. There are total liabilities of about $1.2 million for the operation.

McNair is setting an April 30 deadline for sale.

Calls have come in response to newspaper ads -- one in Saturday's Vancouver Sun proclaims: For Sale by Receiver -- One Russian Submarine.

McNair is planning to run an ad in the west coast edition of the Wall Street Journal early next month.

A marine broker has posted an ad on the internet.

"We've had a lot of interest from what we consider to be real parties, and real players," he said.

They include a Pentagon staffer who called McNair on behalf of some friends interested in buying the boat as a tourist attraction.

So far, McNair has mailed out 130 packages across North America to museums and other tourist operations, whose representatives have called.

He expects the boat will be sold to some North American operation because it would be too difficult to haul the sub to the Atlantic.

McNair has sold various items, but never a sub.

"It's very difficult to determine what a fair market value is for this thing," he said. "In the end it will go to the highest bidder.

"What that bid will be -- your guess is as good as mine."