Daily Dose - 990426 - Luggage, sworn off women, computer hell, first thing they hear, beastiality, The Onion, Hey Martha
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.
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These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."
They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said," Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"
"Yeah" said the guy.
"Where is he?" asked the trader.
"I shot him" said the guy.
"Why?"
"I caught him in bed with my board."
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"I was a vegetarian for a while, but I quit because of the side-effects. I found myself sitting in my living room, starting to lean toward the sunlight".
Rita Rudner
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A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell. As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams. There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.
"What do you think of hell?" asked the devil.
"Wonderful" said the computer scientist, "give me a few discs and let me try these machines out."
"Ahhhhh!," grinned the devil. "We've got no software down here."
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Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning?
A. "See ya."
Q. What is the first thing a brunette hears in the morning?
A. "Sssshh. I have to call my wife."
Q. What is the first thing a redhead hears in the morning?
A. Please don't make me do it again!!!
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A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.
"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good sheep will do that."
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The Onion (satire)
Ham Glazed To Dangerously Delicious levels
PEORIA, IL--The EPA issued a warning Monday to the greater Peoria area regarding the "dangerously delicious" ham being prepared by Cora Daly of Riverside Street.
"Mrs. Daly has gone too far in overglazing this already succulent and flavorful ham," the report read. "If emergency de-appetizing measures are not implemented immediately, the ham may reach catastrophically mouth-watering levels of sweet ham-tastic goodness."
The report criticized Daly for "willfully and recklessly" adding fresh pineapple slices to the surface of the ham, "ignoring the obvious threat posed to the willpower of area diners."
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Hey Martha (true)
Wednesday, March 10, 1999
Jury awards cook with propane phobia $4 million
ALBANY, N.Y. (AP) -- A federal jury awarded nearly $4 million to a chef who claimed a propane explosion left him too frightened of gas to cook.
Joseph Roettig, 50, said he developed a gas phobia after a blast wrecked his kitchen at The Balsam House Inn and Restaurant in Chestertown five years ago. Roettig told the jury that he can't go near a gas stove now, and if he sees a propane truck on the road, he has to pull over.
A jury Friday found Riverside Gas and Oil Co. liable for damages to both Roettig and the owner of the inn, Frank Ellis. Ellis was awarded more than $3 million.
The explosion happened while a Riverside employee was checking a problem with the deep-fryer. Nobody was injured.
A lawyer for Riverside called the award unreasonable and said he will appeal.