Daily Dose - 990425 - New Mercedes, Funny Historical Accounts, The Rescue, The Honest Lawyer, Got Milk?, The Onion, Hey Martha

New Mercedes

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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Funny Historical Accounts (Part 1 of 6)

DAILY RECORD (15th MAY 1992)

Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record in 1992. But after he came down, he not only discovered he was eight hours short of the 400-day record, but also that his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him, and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

INDEPENDENT (19TH DEC 1996)

A rapturous welcome awaited Antonio Gomez Bohorquez and Pascual Fuertes Noguera when they returned home to Murcia in southern Spain after pioneering a new route up Mount Sisha Pagma in the Himalayas. On studying specialist publications, however, they had to sheepishly admit that they had, in fact, climbed the wrong mountain.

HOUSTON POST (13TH SEPT 1990)

In Cebu city, Philippiness, Enrique Quinanola made a determined effort to kill himself. Quinanola, 21 and unemployed, attempted to hang himself, but relatives cut the rope and took him to hospitial. While doctors prepared a sedative, he slipped away and ran to a nearby restauant where he grabbed a knife and slashed his wrists. Police saw the incident and tried to subdue Quinanola, but he put up a terrific struggle, so the officers shot him, first in his leg, then in the chest. He died a few minutes later. His relatives sued the government for violating his civil liberties.

INTERNATIONAL HERALD TRIBUNE (20 JUL 1992)

Tiring of crowds attending football games at the Kennedy Stadium when the Washington Redskins were playing, Charles Buki moved from his home near the ground to Arlington, Virginia. He said parking was impossible on game days, and was sick of picking up beer bottles in his front yard. On arriving in Arlington he was "absolutely paralysed" to discover that his new home was only a short distance from the Redskins' planned new stadium.

The Washington Post compared his fate to that of farmer Wilmer McLean, who fled Manassas, Virginia, after the American Civil War's first battle was fought there. He moved to Appomattox Courthouse, the eventual site of the final battle of the war, where Lee surrendered to Grant in McLean's living room.

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The Rescue

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.

"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.

"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to give you anything, you fools!"

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The Honest Lawyer

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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"More hay, Trigger?"

"No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

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Got Milk?

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."

The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the lady's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.

"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"

"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

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The Onion (satire)

Sudan Passes Campaign-Finance Reform - All Candidates To Be Limited To 500,000 Rounds Of 7.62mm Ammo

KHARTOUM, SUDAN--In what is being hailed as a major step toward making presidential contests more fair and equal, the Sudanese legislature approved sweeping campaign-finance reform Monday, passing a bill limiting all candidates to 500,000 rounds of 7.62mm ammunition.

"It is not fair that certain individuals vying for the presidency should hold a large advantage over others," said Sen. Nyala Uwayi (L-Atbara), co-sponsor of the Khandaq-Uwayi Campaign Finance Act. "Why should I have a better shot at becoming president just because I have twice as many AK-47 Kalishnikov assault rifles as my opponent? In a fair system, everyone should have the same chance to seize power."

In addition to restricting ammunition, the Khandaq-Uwayi Campaign Finance Act sets strict caps on private contributions from desert warlords, limiting donations to three Light Anti-Tank Weapons or one Optical Wire-Guided Anti-Aircraft Missile per warlord. Under the new law, candidates who accept more than the allotted weaponry will be subject to fines and/or beheading.

The act also prohibits incumbents from courting influential lobbyists with special favors and gifts. This provision comes in response to last month's revelation that in 1996, president Lt. Gen. Omar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir accepted a T-72 Main Battle Tank from the powerful southern warlord Kafia al-Nahud in exchange for an overnight stay in the presidential harem. The tank would later play a key role in al-Bashir's successful defense against attacks from presidential challenger Talawdi Waw of the Sudanese People's Liberation Party.

"This sort of campaign-finance reform was long overdue here in the Sudan," Sen. Abache Bor (K-Nasir) said. "Obviously, it's important that a candidate be well-armed, but that shouldn't be the sole determining factor in a fight for public office. A presidential contest should be about more than who has the biggest war chest."

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Hey Martha (true)

Monday, March 22, 1999

Slippery slope to court? Clubhouses ban soap

By KAREN TESTA -- The Associated Press

DEERFIELD BEACH, Fla. (AP) -- Trying to avoid a slippery slope to litigation, the Bonaventure Town Center Club has banned soap in the showers.

Feel free to work up a sweat on the racquetball courts, take a swim in the Olympic-size pools or soak in the steam from the hot tub. Just don't dare lather up in the locker room.

And not just bar soap is banned, but body wash, shampoo, conditioner and shaving cream, too.

"We've been sued. We've settled. We've lost a lot of money," said Bob Fedderwitz, executive director of the recreation center in Weston, a well-to-do community of families and retirees near Fort Lauderdale.

He would not say how much the club had paid out or how many lawsuits it has been hit with since its 1984 opening, except that it's "quite a few."

"We're just a litigious society," Fedderwitz said. "Anybody who hurts themselves, when they see an establishment like ourselves that's required to carry X dollars in insurance, that's very attractive to attorneys."

And very unattractive to insurance companies.

Fedderwitz said the club's insurer was considering dropping its coverage if the place didn't do something about the lawsuits. The ban went into effect a few weeks ago.

At Century Village in Deerfield Beach, soap has been banned in locker rooms and at poolside showers since the retirement community was built 25 years ago.

The 15,000 residents of Century Village, where the average age is between 70 and 75, are accustomed to community regulations, and most respect the soap ban, said Amadeo Trinchitella, the 81-year-old chairman of the recreation committee.

As for the occasional suds smuggler, "we try to say that there's going to be penalties -- such as we're going to keep you from going to the (community) shows," Trinchitella said. "But it's kind of an idle threat."

Some of those at Century Village consider leaving the soap at home a way of looking out for one another.

"With our age group, we're very careful," said Eddie Levine, 83, chairman of the pools.

Fedderwitz said people at the Town Center Club aren't in a lather about the ban either. He said there have been only a few complaints.

After all, he said, "if they really want to take a soapy shower and not worry about smelling, they're three minutes from their house."