Daily Dose - 990424 - A Canadian, Mary had a little dog, cult, 3 professors, The Onion, Hey Martha
OUCH !!! Too true....
A Canadian:
· Thinks an income tax refund is a gift from the government.
· On seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, assumes it is a train.
· When given a compliment, always looks behind to see for whom it is intended.
· Knows the difference between the Northern Lights and a Northern Lite.
· Doesn't know anyone who owns a flag.
· Finds Kentucky Fried Chicken "a bit too spicy".
· Holds the world's record for telephone use, probably listening to "Don't hang up. Your call is important to us".
· Is constantly pulling himself up by the roots to see whether he is still growing.
· Will drive to an unemployment protest meeting in his Toyota.
· Is convinced that democracy involves keeping your opinions to yourself.
· In a restaurant, apologizes for not being ready to order at the waiter's convenience.
· Will travel across the border to buy cigarettes and return home for subsidized cancer therapy.
· Says "sorry" when you accidentally bump into him.
· Waits for the light to change before crossing a deserted intersection at 3 a.m.
· Takes as a signal for a standing ovation any two people who happen to be leaving during curtain calls.
· Believes the Free Trade Agreement is an agreement about free trade.
· Says "no big deal" to a sidewalk cyclist who's just knocked him down.
· Considers turning up the thermostat an integral part of foreplay.
· Says "no thanks" to a telemarketing tape.
· Never sits in someone else's seat, even if the ticket holder doesn't show.
· Says hi to anyone walking a dog.
· Goes to hot-tub parties where people wear bathing suits.
· Finds himself thinking about sending off to "Hinterland: Who's Who" for further information on the loon.
· Carries travelers checks in a money belt.
· Heartily proclaims, "Sure it's 38 below, but it's a dry cold".
· When he musters enough courage to buy a Rolex watch, wears it hidden under a long-sleeve shirt and an Eaton's suit.
· Spends an inordinate amount of time trying to define what an Canadian is.
_______________________
Mary had a little dog,
All night long he'd hunt.
He stuck his head in Mary's lap,
To smell her little
"Control yourself, you naughty dog!
You make my pressure jump!"
Ain't but one man in this town
Good enough to
Pumpkin pie is almost done,
Lots of corn to shuck,
Brother's got a lazy wife.
She don't give a
F'crying out loud, look outside!
The captain and the crew,
Heading down the Mazie's house
to get themselves a
Screw the light bulb in the lamp,
Please don't break the glass.
If you eat those pepper pods,
They're bound to burn your
Asked a woman, "What's your name?"
She wrote it by the creek.
Pardon me, I'll step outside,
I've gotta take a peek.
_______________________
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to change a tire?
A: Two, one to hold the drinks & one to call dad.
______________________
One day, 3 men wanted to join a certain cult so they approached the high priest of that cult. The high priest told the three men to do a bad thing each. The three men went home.
The next day, they returned. The high priest asked the first man what bad thing he had done. The man said, "I killed a man." The high priest said, "Very good. Now go drink the unholy water and become one of us."
The priest asked the second man the same question. The second man replied, "I robbed this woman, raped her and then I killed her." The high priest was very impressed. "Go drink the unholy water and join your new brothers."
When the priest asked the third man the same question. The man replied, "I pissed in the unholy water."
______________________
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are at a meeting when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than their ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." As the physicist and the chemist debate what to do, the statistician actually does something. He runs around the room lighting more fires.
The physicist and the chemist scream "What are you doing?"
The statistician replies, "We're going to need a larger sample size."
__________________
What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas?
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes.
___________________
The Onion (satire - but I think they have a point on this one !)
National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency
DES MOINES, IA--An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the NPPC recommended daily allowance of pork.
"An overwhelming majority of Americans aren't getting the dietary pork they need for healthy muscles and proper digestion," read the NPPC study. "What's worse, many growing children who could be helped by as little as two strips of bacon a day are getting no pork at all."
The NPPC recommends that adults eat at least nine servings of pork per day from the bacon, ham, chop and rind groups.
___________________
Hey Martha (true)
Friday, March 5, 1999
Court-ordered bagpipes are the punishment in Colorado
By ROBERT WELLER -- The Associated Press
FORT LUPTON, Colo. (AP) -- They don't take requests at this after-hours club and there's definitely no karaoke. The DJ is a police officer, and he's ready to bounce anyone who dances or talks.
Employing something like the aversion therapy in the movie "A Clockwork Orange," Municipal Judge Paul Sacco requires people convicted of violating the city's noise ordinance to listen to music they don't like.
The noise scofflaws -- most of whom got in trouble for playing their stereos too loud -- gather once a month, on a weekend night, to listen to court-selected songs. The offenders are mostly young, so there is a heavy dose of lounge music, including Wayne Newton and Dean Martin, plus some Navajo flute music, bagpipes and John Denver songs.
During the most recent session, the group of seven heard one of the judge's own jazz compositions, "I'm Sleeping in My Car."
Seventeen-year-old David Mascarenas was apparently scared straight.
"I'm not going to jam no more," he said. "I took my stereo out already. I don't want to be hassled no more."
Court coordinator Patrice Redearth, who suggested the one-hour music treatment, said she got her first playlist by asking her 17-year-old "what the kids would hate."
The worst selection was the "Barney" theme song, said Ryan Bowles, 21, adding, "If you laugh they cite you for contempt."
The DJ policeman, Joe Morales, said there's something annoying for everyone, and it works. He recalled having problems "with one kid three or four times. He came here once and he hasn't been back."
A requiem might have been the most appropriate choice for the most recent session, Feb. 26. It certainly looked like a funeral. One teen wore a shirt that read, "I hate this town."
"If they fall asleep their eyes will be pried open," said clerk Patrice Redearth, in a joking reference to "A Clockwork Orange," in which a gang member involved in a rape is forced to watching sickening videos, his eyes pinned open, while listening to Beethoven, his favorite composer.
Sacco's program debuted Dec. 5 in this agricultural and industrial town of 5,200 people 30 miles north of Denver. The sessions are held in City Hall. Most of the offenders are rap-loving teens. But not all.
"There was a guy who was 45 who got a ticket for listening to Bob Seger," the judge said.
Sacco, who is 45 himself and has been playing blues guitar since he was 10, said the point he is trying to make is that "it's wrong to impose your music or style on someone else."
"You've got guys going around now with 15-inch speakers in a small car with a 1,000-watt amplifier," the judge said. "Maybe the ordinance will help them save their ears."